SUEvivor
by Jade Snape-Holloway
Summary: Ten Mary Sues...Nine challenges...one winner...Who will be The Ultimate Harry Potter Mary Sue? Read Suevivor and find out!
1. Chapter 1

SUEvivor.

A/N: This is yet another Mary Sue parody. They're just so gosh darn parody-able! I must say that I love Mary Sues. I love to mock, parody, and spork them and their authors every chance I get! So if you like this fic, please review! If you don't, keep it to yourself. Thank you.

CHALLENGE 1: HANDLEING MARY SUE SITUATIONS. BETTER THEN IT SOUNDS.

//now you hear the voice of the host//  
_Ten Mary Sues...Five challenges...One winner...Who will be the ultimate SUEvivor//theme music starts and you see pictures of the Mary Sues go by, along with there names//  
Aradia, Dumbledore's granddaughter.  
Keanna, Voldemort's daughter.  
Sandrena, Mcgonagal's niece.  
Stormy, foreign exchange student from America.  
Harriet, Harry's long lost twin sister.  
Forrest, the new defense against the dark arts teacher.  
Rose Petal, the just normal, random Sue.  
Jade, the author 'cleverly' inserted into the fic.  
Adreana, the marauder Sue.  
Vixen, the half-breed Sue. _

Only one can be...The SUEvivor!

All the Mary Sues walked up to where the host (that's me!) stood. They tossed their long, beautiful, shiny hair and for some reason, they walked in slow motion.

"Welcome, Mary Sues. I am your host, Jade." Jade the host said.

"OMG! That's my name, too!" Jade the Sue cried, once again tossing her shimmering blond hair that reached to her knees and flashing that dazzling smile.

"Really? You think it's dazzling? Oh, um, anyway. You all know why your here, to compete for the title of Ultimate Harry Potter Mary Sue. You will all complete nine challenges and at the end of every episode, you will vote one of your fellow Sues out. Keanna, your the daughter of the Dark Lord Voldemort. Are you worried about being voted out?" Jade the Host asked.

Keanna pushed her long, black, red streaked hair out of her face and smiled, her red eyes flashing. "Of course not! I am Voldemort's daughter, therefore I have all of his powers and all of his intelligence. Why should I be worried when I can telepathically kill anyone who tries to vote me out?" she asked.  
"Uh, Keanna, no murdering allowed. Sorry." Jade the Host told her.  
Oh...OK." Keanna looked shocked.  
"Anyway, now I will bring you all to the home you will be sharing for your stay on the show. Please follow me." Jade the Host said, leading the Mary Sues up a huge hill and into Hogwarts.  
They stopped in front of a shiny golden door.  
"This is Hogwart's Mary Sue wing. Ever since the dawning of Harry Potter fan fiction have Mary Sues lived here. Behold...Your new home!!!!" Jade the Host flung the doors open and shielded her eyes from the blinding flash of light that exploded from the room.  
When it faded, everyone was looking into a big, glittering living room filled with fluffy pink chairs and bean bags.  
"Now, there are two bed rooms in here. Five of you will get one room, and five of you will get the other. There are also two bath rooms, one kitchen, and this one living room. Also, Hogwarts is out at the

time, so you will not be bothered by all the boys." Jade the Host said.  
All the Sues groaned and whined about that. "But the boys are the best part!" Stormy whined, falling to her knees dramatically. Seeing as how she was from America, she was MUCH smarter then everyone else, even though she spends her time being slutier then everyone else, wearing inappropriate clothes, and doing everything better then everyone else, but never studying. She was naturally smart. She also had wavy blond hair with streaks of blue and green, eyes that changed color when she wanted them to, and a really tiny skirt and top. Yes, I am thinking of an actual OC in a real fan fic, but I'm to nice to say what fic it is.  
"Hey, hey, hey! Stop being stupid! There will be plenty to keep you guys busy while your here! Now, settle in and I'll come back when it's time for your first challenge." Jade the Host said as she left the Sue Wing.  
"Wow, this place is like, super awesome!" Jade the Sue said, flopping on to a bean bag.  
" Yes, I suppose these accommodations are acceptable." Said Sandrena, because that's how smart people talk.  
"I was hoping to meet my brother here. We have a prophecy to fulfill, after all." Harriet said. Since she was Harry's twin, she looked almost just like him, only drop dead beautiful and with a half moon scar on her forehead.  
"Yes, my father did mention you. He was rather pleased to learn that there was another person close to Harry that he could use as bate." Keanna said.  
"He won't use me as bate! I'm Harry's sister Sue, I will defeat Voldemort and save the wizarding world." Harriet informed her.  
"Dream on, little girl. My father also hates you." Keanna said to Aradia.  
"Why?" Aradia asked. She was very Sueish, with silver hair and eyes.  
"Duh! Because your the grand daughter of his greatest enemy besides the Potter's!" Keanna said like it was so obvious. "What kind of name is Aradia, anyway?"  
"I was named after the goddess of magic. What kind of name is Keanna?" Aradia said angrily.  
"A very Mary Sue name." Keanna said.  
"Girls, girls, let us try to get along." Said Forrest. She was also beautiful, with long brown hair, and 'curves in all the right places (not the curves! Noooo!).' Of course, if this were just a normal Sue fic, she would make Snape fall in love with her.  
Adreana hated Forrest because she was in love with Snape. And James. And Sirius. And Lupin. Adreana had blood red hair that would make Ariel jealous and flashing gray eyes.  
"I hope I do well on this challenge. I'm not good at anything." Rose Petal said, even though she was great at everything. She was just the typical Mary Sue, with long blond hair, sparkling blue eyes, a tragic past, 'curves in all the right places,' and an insane amount of talent and love.  
"I think we'll all do great." Aradia said happily. "But for now we should probably try to decide who gets what room."  
"As long as there's a bed, I'm happy!" Jade said.  
"I think I should get a room all to myself." Vixen announced. When everyone starred at her, she continued. "I mean, so I can safely transform into a wolf every night and not hurt you guys." Everyone kept staring. Her yellow wolf eyes flashed dangerously and she flicked her cat ears in annoyance. "Fine, I'll just go some where else to transform!" She snapped.  
"Right, all the smart Sues go in one room and the others go in the next." Forrest commanded.  
"But, we're all geniuses." Stormy pointed out.  
"Yes, but some of us are more intelligent them others." Sandrena told them. "So, Forrest, Vixen, Aradia, Keanna, and I will go in the first room and Jade, Stormy, Rose Petal, Adreana and Harriet will get the second."  
All the Sues grabbed their stuff and headed into the bed room. 

The first one was pink and fuzzy, with pictures of super hot guys all over the walls and a flat screen TV. the beds were huge with way too many pillows.  
"Well, this is not what I signed up for." Vixen said, highly annoyed. 

In the next room, the Sues were having almost the same experience.  
The room had five huge wood framed beds and covering the walls were book shelves. There was also a wizard chess game in the corner.  
"There's no way in hell I'm stayin' here." Stormy said.  
Just then Keanna popped in.  
"We're trading rooms. You have no choice in the matter." She said, but the others had already ran into the other room and started jumping on the water beds.  
"Darn. I really wanted to have to force them with my powers." Keanna said, putting her clothes in the humongous closet. 

Back in the pink Sue room, all the girls were starring in awe at the closet. Theirs was the size of a small trailer home, but it was just perfect for holding their millions of clothes that were so skimpy they would make Brittany Spears cringe in shame. 

"I can totally get used to this!" Jade the Sue said. 

XOXOXOXO

A while later, Jade the Host came back in.

"I'm glad your all settled in. I've been watching you on the hidden cameras." she said.

"OMG! There's cameras?! Hi mom!" Jade the Sue and Stormy started waving at the camera.

"Yes, well anyway, it's time for your first challenge. Will you all follow me?" Jade the Host asked as she left the room.

She lead the Mary Sues through the castle and into the great hall. There were only two tables set up. One was long, with ten seats and the other was smaller and only had two chairs.  
There was already someone sitting at the little table. A really tall girl with curly hair and a Green Day tee shirt. 

"Sues, this is my sister, Raven. She will be helping me judge you on this challenge." Jade the Host said. "Now, please sit down." 

She waited until all the Sues had sat down before she continued. 

"Since this is your first challenge, we decided to make it easier for you. The challenges will get harder as they go along. For this one, we will ask you each questions that all Mary Sues should be able to answer and we will judge based on your answer. Are you ready?" 

All the Sues nodded. 

"Good. The first question is for Rose Petal: All Mary Sues have a horribly tragic past. What is yours like?" Jade the Host asked. 

Rose Petal blinked back tears. "Well, when my father found out my mother was a witch, he beat her to death then killed himself. I had to go to an orphanage where they starved me and hit me and made me into a slave! Then I escaped and came to Hogwarts." 

Jade the Host and Raven stopped sobbing long enough to write something on a clip board. 

"W-wow. //sniff// Good answer! Next question is for Stormy. What comes to mind when I say handcuffs, a shower curtain, and chocolate syrup?" Jade the Host asked. 

Stormy thought for a second, then said "my date with Draco Malfoy."  
Jade the Host and Raven shook their heads and wrote something else on the clipboards. 

"Now," Raven said. "This question is for Jade the Sue: What would you do if you got a very low grade on your potions test?" 

"Well, I would say: Oh, Pro. Snape! There must be some mistake! I studied so hard. Please give me a second chance! Maybe I could even come down here after dinner and you could help me with it?" Large fake tears started to form in Jade the Sue's big, dark brown eyes. 

"OK, very impressive. Next question is for Harriet: What would you do if Draco Malfoy walked in as you were taking a shower?" Jade the Host asked.  
Harriet thought for a minute. "I would say 'oh, come on in. I'm almost done anyway. Could you hand me the soap?' " 

"Wow, very trampy! Good answer for a Sue! OK, Sandrena, get ready for this question. It's very important." Jade the Host said.  
Sandrena looked serious, ready to answer the toughest of questions. 

"Santa Clause, a dumb brunette, and a smart blond jump off a cliff. Who lands first?" Jade the Host asked.  
"What?! A blond joke?!" Sandrena screams.  
"I find this highly offensive." Rose Petal said.  
"Oh relax! It's just a joke. Hey, we're blond and we think it's funny!" Raven said. (if you take offense to that joke, it's just a joke. We all no it's not true.)  
"So, what is the answer?" Jade the Host asked.  
"Umm, Santa?" Sandrena said miserably.

"Oh, I'm sorry! The correct answer is none of them land first because none of them exist. Moving on. Adreana, all the make up in the world has become toxic would you A) use it anyway. B) make your own make up, or C) trick some one else into using it so you can see just how toxic it is?" Raven asked.  
"Oh, silly mortals! I don't need make up! I'm naturally hot!" Adreana said with a laugh. 

"That is the correct answer, that was a trick question. Forrest! Snape has killed Dumbledore, but you love him. Do you continue to love him or not?" Jade the Host asked.  
"No, I just have my author re-write the last chapter of the Half Blood Prince so that he didn't kill Dumbledore and I can go on loving him." Forrest answered. 

"Good answer. Vixen, Remus reveals to you that he's a ware wolf. How do you react?" Raven asked.  
"Obviously, I tell him that I'm a ware wolf/cat and then we have sex." Vixen said simply. 

"Of course. Now Keanna, obviously Mary Sues cannot be bothered with school rules and would never sink so low as to wearing the uniforms. How would you get passed the uniform rules?" Jade the Host asked her.  
"Well, not only am I Voldemort's daughter, I am also rebel Sue, so I would just wear what ever I want and ignore the people when they try to get me to follow rules. They would never expel me because I am so very pretty." Keanna tossed her hair. 

"That's a good answer, but the one we were looking for was 'I would use my Sueish charms to trick the teachers into letting only me get away with it,' or 'I would cry and tell the teachers about my horrible life so they would pity me and let me get away with it.' But still, we can give you a few points for that." Jade the Host said. 

"Last question. Aradia, how many times have you made a stupidly gushy sacrifice for love?" Raven asked the silver haired beauty.  
Aradia counted on her fingers several times before she answered, "about 17 times, in different fics of course."  
There were shocked mummers from the judges and all the other Mary Sues at that. 

"Wow, that's a lot a times to die! Now, me and Raven will count up the score." Jade the Host said. "We will be deciding the winner based on who gave the best answer." 

For what seemed like 15 minutes, the judges talked quietly together. Then they looked up.  
"We have picked a Sue. The winner today will win immunity so that they cannot be voted out of the game tonight. And the winner is...

TWINTY MINUTES LATER.

"...Harriet Potter, you gave the most Sueish answer and you win immunity!" Jade the Host announced. 

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!!" Harriet screamed, jumping up and done. 

"I'll see you tonight for the voting ceremony." Jade the Host said.

XOXOXOXO

//Jade the Sue is talking into her diary camera. All the Sues got one for the show// 

"It's like, so unfair that Harriet won! I gave a super Sue answer! I think she paid the judges!" she fumed. 

//Stormy's camera// 

"This is so super terrible! What about my answer?! How could they pick that stupid little brat over someone like ME?!" she sobbed. 

//Back in the living room, Harriet and Sandrena are talking// 

"I think we need to watch out for Stormy. I know she'll want revenge." Sandrena whispers.  
"Really? Do you think you could help me watch out for her?" Harriet asked, wide eyed.  
"Sure, I'll help you." Sandrena said. 

//Sandrena's camera//  
"Yeah, it's true. Harriet won the first immunity, so that leads me to believe she's a pretty tough opponent. I hope that if I get on her good side, I can bring her down!" Sandrena cackled. 

// Harriet's cam//  
"I totally know about Sandrena's stupid plan. Unlike my twin, I was born knowing legimens so I read her mind. Well, she's not getting to me that easily!" Harriet smiled. 

//Rose Petal's cam//  
"I have no idea what's going on, but I sense drama!" 

XOXOXOXO

All the Mary Sues were gathered in the Great Hall once again. 

This time the sorting hat was on the table. Jade the Host was standing in front of it.  
"Welcome Sues." She said. "Now, one by one, go up to the sorting hat, write the name of the person you want to vote out, and drop it in the hat. Harriet, you go first because you won immunity." 

Harriet walked up to the sorting hat and wrote 'Sandrena' on her paper.  
After five minutes, all the Mary Sues had voted. 

"I'll tally up the votes." Jade the Host said as she picked up a piece of paper from inside the hat.  
"First vote goes to...Keanna."  
Keanna glared at everyone around her.  
"Next vote goes to...Sandrena. This one says...What the hell does it say?!" Jade the Host squinted at the word. It was writen in scribly yet some how beautiful writting.  
"Let me see." Stormy snatched the paper away. "It says Where Wulf Gurl."  
"That's how you write?! Jeez, you need to go back to school. Anyway, one vote Vixen, one vote Keanna, and one vote Sandrena." Jade the Host pulled out another piece of paper.  
"Adreana."  
Next one. "Adreana."  
"Keanna." "Aradia." Adreana." "Forrest."  
"And the first person voted out of Hogwarts is... 

TWINTY MINUTES LATER...  
"...Adreana." 

There were gasps all around the Great Hall at that and Adreana's jaw dropped. She stood up defiantly. "You'll all be sorry!" She announced and then she stormed out of the room. 

"Mary Sues, please return to your room and get some sleep." Jade the Host said. " You'll be very busy tomorrow."

END OF EPISODE ONE.

SCENCES FOR NEXT WEEKS EPISODE: "I can't do this!" Sandrena sobbed on the floor.  
"No one knows it yet, but I have something that will help me win today's challenge." Rose Petal grinned, showing cute little dimples.  
"Harriet is a total back stabbing bee- octh!" Sandrena hissed.

END NOTES: Oooo, what's gonna happen next week?! I know this first chapter isn't that funny, but this is kinda the introductory chapter. The next one will be better, so please keep reading! And don't forget to review!


	2. Challenge 2: Mary Sues don't do things

SUEvivor.

A/N: I love reviews! Thank you if you reviewed! Hope you like this chapter.

CHALLENGE 2: THE SUES IN THE REAL WORLD, WHERE THEY HAVE TO DO THINGS THAT US NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE TO DO, LIKE CHORES.

//Sue cam in the living room//  
"So, can you believe Adreana was voted out?!" Jade the Sue asked.  
"You ask that every five minutes! Yes we can believe it because we voted her out because she was boring!" Keanna snapped.  
"I wonder what the next challenge will be like." Rose Petal said thoughtfully, because she is thoughtful.  
"Well, what ever it is, I'm sure I'll do just fine!" Stormy said, tossing her hair. Then she noticed the looks everyone was giving her. "I mean...We'll all do good!"

//Harriet's cam//  
"I don't know who the others will vote for tonight, but I'm totally going to get Sandrena out of here! She's almost as evil as Keanna, only in a less psycho way!" Harriet thought for a moment, then said. "I have an idea! I'm going to get Rose Petal to vote her out, too! Rose seems pretty easy to persuade!"

//Rose Petal's cam//  
"I just feel so bad for poor Adreana! Voted out so soon! I wish we didn't have to do such mean things on this show!" Rose Petal sobbed. "But since I suffer the curse (and by curse of course I mean gift) of mind reading, I know that Keanna is going vote for me tonight//sobs// I'm sure there's a way to keep her from doing that!

//Keanna's cam//  
"Nothing will keep me from voting Rose Petal out."

//in the living room//

"This is sooooo boring! I want to have my boyfriends over!" Stormy said while she chewed some gum. If it were possible, her outfit was even smaller then the one in the last episode and she had turned her hair flame red with electric blue streaks.  
"Well, you should be preparing your self for this next challenge!" Forrest said. For the whole week, Forrest and the other Smart!Sues had been pouring over books, looking for things that might help them.  
The other Sues just paid Rose Petal to read their minds and tell them everything useful Forrest and the others had found out.

//Stromy's cam//  
"This place really bites! No boys, no TV, no alcohol, no fun! It's only been a week and already someone stole my favorite lip gloss, I got in a cat fight with Harriet, Vixen was thrown out a window by Keanna, and Jade the Sue blew up the house trying to cook something! What? You want to know if Vixen's all right? Yeah, she's fine. She turned into a bird and flew back in here, then attacked Keanna."

//an hour later//

"Hello, Mary Sues." Jade the Host said as she came into the Sue Wing. "Are you guys ready for your next challenge?"  
All the Sues nodded.  
"Follow me."

Jade the Host lead the girls outside on the Hogwarts grounds and stood in front of the them holding a box.  
"In this box, you will all find a piece of paper with your names on them. Harriet, you won immunity, you take get your's first." Jade the Host said, giving her the box.  
Harriet took hers, then passed the box down the line of Sues until each one had their own paper.  
"Now, open the paper." Jade the Host insturcted  
They opened them and read what was inside with confused looks on their pretty little faces.

"You have each been given a task that normal humans have to do all the time. Your challenge today is to complete each task you have as best as you can. By the end of the day, you will be judged on how well you did it. Harriet, what did you get?" Jade the Host asked.  
"I...I have to do this thing called 'sew,' but I've never even heard of it!" Harriet said, highly confused now.  
"Of course you haven't, your a Mary Sue and Mary Sues don't do things like sew." Jade the Host said gently. She turned to Stormy, who was gapping at her paper.  
"I HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY?!?!?!?" she screamed. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? SOME KIND OF BRITTISH TORTURE OR SOMETHING?!?!?!"  
"I did lots of laundry in my days as a slave." Rose Petal said.  
"What did you get?" Jade the Host asked.  
"I must take care of a garden." Rose Petal said. "That will be fun!"  
Standing next to her was Keanna, who looked furious. Jade the Host tried not to laugh.  
"You think this is funny, don't you?" Keanna hissed.  
"Come on, now. What did you get?"  
"I have to.. Baby sit." Keanna spat. "I'm evil! What part of that don't you understand?! And now you want me to take care of stupid kids!?"  
"Oh, relax. Vixen, what's yours say?" Jade the Host asked her.  
She was smiling. "I get to talk care of animals!"  
"That's not fair!" Jade the Sue sobbed.  
"Oh, yeah. I'm so sorry about this." Jade the Host said. From now on we shall call her Jade H.  
Since Jade S. was to busy crying, Jade H. told the others what her task was. "She has to bake brownies. We hate any form of cooking, though we do love to eat. Forrest?"  
"I must sign on to AOL on your old computer.  
Jade H, winced. "Ohhh..Good luck with that. Sandrena?"  
"I..I have to clean a bathroom!!!" Sandrena fell to her knees.  
"And I have to put together a book shelf that comes in a box!" Aradia wailed.  
"Yes you do! When we come back, we'll see the Sues start trying to actually DO this stuff. Wow, this won't go well!"

TWINTY MINUTES AFTER THE COMMERCIALS...

//camera shows Harriet in a room with a bunch of House Elves.//  
"Well, the elves have been showing me how to like, thread a needle and stuff and how to you know, stitch things." Harriet said. Suddenly she burst into tears. "I can't do this! I know I can't! Why can't I defeat Voldemort or something easy?!"

//now the camera is on a random house elf, with Harriet sobbing in the back ground//  
"Well, Mr. Camera Man, sir. We does not usually speak ill of our masters, but this chick's freakin' crazy!"

//back to Harriet//  
//sniff// "At least they tell me I can sew anything I want. I think I'm going to do something really easy!"  
Harriet held up a big piece of flowery material.  
"Yeah, I could turn this into a blanket!" And with that, Harriet threw down her needle and picked a stapler and some lacy stuff.  
There were a few Ka chinks heard as she stapled the lace to the edges of the 'blanket.' Then she held up her 'sewing.'  
"Wow! That was easy!" She said as the house elves sobbed behind her.

XOXOXOXOXO

//now the cam is on Stormy//  
"Yeah so those //beeeeep//s on the //beeep//ing show are making me do //beep//ing laundry! Me! Do laundry! The universe is going to explode or something now." Stormy said as she opened the washing machine door and looked in side.  
"Well, how hard could this be? I mean, ya just throw the clothes in and they take care of themselves, right?" Stormy picked up a laundry basket full of clothes, some white and some not. Recipe for laundry related disaster.  
"OK, I always heard something about separating the clothes...Oh! That must mean I put all the stuff like shirts in one load, then all the jeans in the other!" Then everything goes in slow motion as she tosses in a red shirt...with a WHITE ONE.  
After that happened, she poured almost half a thing of bleach in, and half a thing of laundry soap into the washer.  
"Hmm, better put a couple of these in, too!" She said as she dumped out a box of fabric softener stuff.  
"Wow! Doing laundry must be expensive for people that aren't rich like me, even though I never work!" Stormy said as she sat on top of the washing machine.  
We'll come back to this later. Now...

//Rose Petal's cam//

"No one knows it yet, but I have something that will help me win today's challenge." Rose Petal grinned, showing cute little dimples. "You see, being a Mary Sue is really hard because we have to deal with all these special powers, good looks, and guys throwing themselves at us! One of my many challenges in life is that I have control over the earth. I can make things grow! That's why it should be pretty easy for me to do this challenge!"

//now we see her in a garden, but nothing has grown yet//

Rose Petal put some seeds in the earth. On the package of seeds, we can see the label: Worlds Rarest and Hardest to Grow Seeds That Take Really Special Powers to Grow.  
"I just picked something easy to plant so I didn't make the other girls feel too bad. Yes, there was already stuff planted, but it was just some simple little things. I really want this garden to come out perfect!"  
Rose Petal finished planting the seeds. She reached down and touched each little mound of dirt where the seeds were planted.  
At her touch, huge, beautiful flowers bloomed until she and the camera crew were standing in a flied of rainbow colored flowers.  
"You see how much of a curse this is?" Rose Petal asked.

XOXOXOXO

// now we see through Sandrena's cam//

" I...I have to clean this place." She whispered. Her eyes were red from crying, but in a really pretty way.  
The bathroom she's supposed to be cleaning is already pretty clean, but that doesn't stop her from wanting to throw up.  
She had a mop, bucket of water, and a bunch of cleaning supplies.  
"Well, I guess I'll start with something easy." She pulled out a bottle of Windex and sprayed the big mirror.  
"OH MY GOD! THIS IS TORTURE!" She sobbed as she wiped it off with a paper towel.  
Next, for some reason or another, she decided she would (try) to mop the floor.  
As she dunked the mop in the water, she cried even harder.  
Before the mop even reached the floor, she threw it down.  
"I can't do this!" She sobbed. Then she ran out of the room.  
"Wow." said the camera guy.

XOXOXOX

//Forrest's cam//

"Well, here I am, trying to do this thing called 'get on the Internet.' I don't even know what the hell a computer is! But I think I can figure it out. I'm pretty sure you just push this button." she pointed the button that said 'sign on.'  
She was sitting in front of a computer. For some reason, the screen had a blueish tinge to it (that's my old computer for ya. Although it was just rebooted yesterday, so it's not as bad anymore).  
There was a note on the desk from Jade H. It said: 'A little tip. When the computer doesn't sign on after you click 'sign on,' turn off the computer and let it sit.'  
"Wow, this thing might be more complicated then I thought!" Forrest said. Then she clicked the button. And nothing happened.  
"Ummm...Oookay..." Forrest said, starring at the screen.  
"Oh, maybe I need to write something here." She said as she looked at the place for a password.  
"Now what's wrong with the freakin' keyboard?!" She cried. "All the letters are out of order! I want a new one!"  
"No, that's how it's supposed to be!" Said the camera man.  
"Silly muggles." Forrest muttered. She had been told the password before this, so she typed it in (while having a very hard time finding the keys) and then hit sign on again.  
For about twenty minutes she waited, listening to the weird sounds the computer made as it connected.  
Then nothing happened.  
This happened three other times until she turned off the computer.  
We'll get back to this. Now let's go back to Stormy...

//Stormy cam//  
"OMG! The clothes are done!" She ran in and opened the door.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Stormy screamed as she pulled clothes pink clothes out of the washer.  
"Th-they were so young! They didn't deserve to go like this!" She sobbed over a used -to-be-white shirt.  
Just then Jade H. came in.  
"I figured this would happen, so SUPRISE! Here's your real clothes!" And she pulled out a basket of all of Stormy's real stuff.  
"What?" Stormy asked.  
"Yep, we replaced your stuff with fake ones so this didn't happen. We really don't want you to sue us. Hehehe, the Sue will sue us, interesting." Jade H. said, but no one listened.  
"I don't get it. What did I do wrong?" Stormy wiped her eyes.  
"You were supposed to separate the white clothes from the colored ones." Jade H. said.  
"What? You people are just crazy" Stormy cried.  
"No, your just stupid." Jade H. pointed out.  
"What's THAT supposed to mean?!" Stormy demanded.  
"Huh?! OK, Let's watch Jade S. and see how she's doing." Jade H. said warily.

//Jade S. cam//

"OK, Makin' brownies! Now, what do I do?" Jade S. said.  
"Umm, I guess I put this in this big bowl." she poured in what she thought was normal brownie mix, but what the label really said was (Poison) Brownie Mix.  
All went well, until she put them in the oven. Then she happened to look at them and see that the brownies were starting to take the shape of a skull and crossbones.  
"Well, that's weird!" Jade S. said.

XOXOXOXO

//back to Forrest//  
From starring at the computer, her eyes looked like this: 00  
After her 27th attempt at getting on the Internet, she turned off the computer again.  
"Uh, Forrest, maybe you should just give up?" The camera guy suggested.  
"NEVER!" Forrest screeched, turning on the computer again.  
This time she re-did all the stuff and clicked the button.  
Twenty minutes later, she was starring at the computer hopefully.  
And then...  
"YES!" Forrest shrieked as the...Internet came up.  
"Oh thank you sweet, sweet computer! Thank you!" She sobbed, leaning over the keyboard.

XOXOXOXOXO

//Keanna's cam//

Keanna was sitting in a baby's room, surrounded by little toys, and rocking a baby back and forth.  
"That's right. Go to sleep you evil little monster. That's right, you just wait till your asleep and your not expecting it. Then I'll strike." She said. Then she looked up and noticed the cameras.  
"Oh, uh...I wasn't threatening a baby or anything...What are you lookin' at?! Stop looking at me!!!" she shrieked, which woke up the baby she was watching for her challenge.  
"Good god! You woke it!" She cried. "Oh, no wonder my father gave me up for adoption, leaving me on the doorstep of that really evil death eater!"  
She gave up trying to rock the baby to sleep and picked up a toy. "Look, look at the toy! See? Nice toy! Please for the love of god go to sleep!"  
After about 15 minutes of that, the baby was asleep again.  
"Thank you! Thank you god, thank you!" She said.  
"Uhhh, Keanna?" Camera guy asked.  
"LEAVE ME ALONE! I AM NOT CRYING IN HAPPINESS!"

XOXOXOXOXO

//Aradia's cam//  
Aradia sat on the floor. In front of her was lots of little nails and screws and stuff, and a few pieces of wood.  
"I'm supposed to be building this bookshelf. That shouldn't be too hard. I am the daughter of the greatest man ever, and the instructions are right here." Aradia opened the directions.  
"WTF?! THEY'RE WRITEN ALL IN CHINESE!" she cried.  
"OK, OK, I can still do this." Aradia picked up a board and stared at it for a minute. Then, without warning, she started pounding nails into it.

XOXOXOXOXO

//Vixen cam//

"Well, this challenge will be totally easy for me! I have to take care of a puppy! I'm a were-wolf! This will be great!" Vixen said happily as she made her way to go pick up the puppy at the pound.  
She got there and found the puppy. It was absolutely adorable, with big puppy eyes and floppy ears.  
"Ooooh my god! Look at the little thing! Come here cutey. Come 'ere!" Vixen said, trying to get the puppy to come up to her.  
He waged his tail. Then lunged at Vixen, snarling.  
"HELP ME! HELP ME! GET THE LITTLE DEMON DOG OFF!!!" The camera guys rushed in, trying to take the crazed animal off of her.  
Twenty minutes later, Vixen was sitting in a tree as the puppy jumped up and down under her, barking it's adorable little head off.  
"I have an idea!" Vixen shouted to the crew, who were also in the trees. She had conveniently forgot to tell anyone, but she was also a animagus, not just with one animal, oh no, that wouldn't be Sueish enough. No she could turn into anything she wanted and right now she wanted to turn into an eagle.  
So, Vixen (in eagle form) swooped put of the tree, and dove on the puppy.  
It struggled, but she some how managed to force it into a puppy carrier.  
The crew finally came down from the trees.  
"What kind of demon puppy is that? Did you see what it did to Joe?" Camera guy cried.  
"I think Joe is gone." Vixen said. "But enough about him. All the instructions said was that I have to walk it, and feed it, and take care of it for the whole day. We obviously can't take it out of its cage, so I'll just walk it around town by carrying it."  
"OK, but I'm staying a safe distance away." Said Camera Guy, who was now filming from the roof of a near by building.

OK, that's all the Mary Sues. After commercial break, we'll see how they did on their tasks.

COMMERCIAL!  
END OF COMMERCIALS!

//Jade H. walked up to Harriet was sewing//  
"So, we've seen Stormy's sad attempt at laundry. Now we'll see Harriet's sad attempt on sewing." she said.  
They entered the room where they found all the house elves wearing ear plugs, and for good reason: Harriet was still crying over how hard it had been.  
"Hi, Harriet. How'd it go?" Jade H. asked her.  
"Well //sniff// I think I did pretty well for my first time. I made a blanket." And Harriet held up the 'blanket.'  
"Uh huh, I see. Harriet, you didn't actually sew anything." Jade H. pointed out.  
"Yeah, but look! It has lace!" Harriet said, pointing to the lace.  
Jade H. sighed. "OK, well, you still didn't win, so go back to the Sue Wing with Stormy. Now let's go check on Keanna."

XOXOXOXOXO

//in the room with Keanna//  
"Well, this all looks pretty good! You managed to not kill this little baby, and she's seems pretty well taken care of. Was it hard?" Jade H. asked Keanna.  
"What? Was a little baby hard to take care of for the all mighty daughter of the Dark Lord? Of course not!" Keanna scoffed.  
Jade H. looked very unamused as she picked up a remote control and pressed a button.  
A TV came down and started playing scenes from when Keanna was taking care of the baby.  
The first scene was of Keanna, sobbing along with the baby. The next one, Keanna was trying to drop the baby out the window. "Hey! What are you doing?!" Demanded the camera guy as he came in.  
And the last scene, Keanna was asleep and the baby was playing with scissors.  
"Well?" Jade H. asked.  
"Ummm...She's still alive and well!" Keanna said nervously.

XOXOXOXO

//now they're in the kitchen with Jade S.//  
"Now, I know that you hate cooking in any form, but how do you think you did on the brownies?" Jade H. asked her.  
"Um, I think I did OK." Jade S. said as she sat the brownies in front of Jade H.  
Jade H. took a bite. "Wow! These are really good! I think you just might-" But then she stopped breathing and fell of her chair due to the poison brownies.  
Luckily, the paramedics were there for just such occasion and they revived her.  
"I'm so sorry! I had no idea!" Jade S. gasped.  
"I know, it's OK. They're still really good!" And Jade H. took another bite and was once again revived.

XOXOXOXOXO  
// now we see Sandrena, looking very upset//  
"So, Sandrena. Want to tell us why you didn't do your task?" Jade H. asked her.  
"I'm //sob// sorry! I'm a Mary Sue! I'm not meant to clean bathrooms! It was just to much!" Sandrena buried her face in her hands.  
"You know this means you can't win immunity?" Jade H. asked her.  
She nodded.  
"Alrighty, then! Next up, Rose Petal!"

XOXOXOXO

//everyone is in the garden//  
"I know it's not much, but I think it's nice." Rose Petal said shyly.  
"It's..It's..It's incredible!" Jade H. sputtered.  
"Really?!" Rose Petal's face lit up, and that combined with her natural Sue radiance made her almost blinding.  
"Really! I bet something good happens for you!" Jade H. said.  
"You mean I'll win the game?!"  
"Well, no..I meant I think you'll get immunity, but hey! You never know! Let's go see how Aradia did with that bookshelf!"

XOXOXOXOXO

//they all stand there, looking at something that barely resembles a bookshelf//  
"So, did you even read the directions?" Jade H. said dully.  
"They were all in Chinese!"  
"Bummer. Well, I guess it will still hold books. Let's test it." Jade H. sat a book on the shelf. It tumbled off.  
"OK, so you pretty much have a hunk of wood and nails. You can go back to the Sue Wing now." Jade H. said.  
Aradia nodded sadly and walked off.

XOXOXOXO

//now with Forrest//  
"Wow, Forrest! I can't believe you did it! One of the hardest things and you manage to do it right! My Sue can't even make non-poison brownies!" Jade H. said  
"Huh?" Forrest said, tearing her eyes away from the screen. After she got online, she didn't want to get off and had been looking at random stupid things for awhile.  
"I said you did good. You can go home now. Forrest? FORREST!" Jade H. screamed and Forrest snapped out of it.  
"Oh, OK. Let me just finish taking this quiz."

XOXOXOXOXO

//Jade H. holds the puppy, petting it//  
"Oh, Vixen, stop it! Chuckles did not try to kill anyone!" Chuckles is the puppy.  
"I'm telling the truth! He tried to eat us!" Vixen said desperately. "What do you think happened to Joe?!"  
"Hmmm, that is a mystery. It doesn't matter. The point is that you seemed to take good care of Chuckles during this task. He seems happy." Jade H. said, holding up the puppy and looking at him.  
"Yeah, I did take good care of him! I should have smacked it with a newspaper!" Vixen snapped.  
Jade H. gasped and hugged Chuckles. "How could you?! You sicken me! Now get back to the Sue Wing!"

XOXOXOXOXO

//back in the Mary Sue Wing of Hogwarts//  
Jade H. stood in front of the line of Mary Sues, all of them looking tired, but some how incredibly gorgeous.  
"Well, you all did pretty good on you tasks. Some did better then others." Jade H. glared at Vixen.  
"But now, one of you will win immunity. And the winner is...

TWINTY MINUTES LATER.  
"...Rose Petal!"  
"OMG! OMG! OMG! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON OUT OF ALL THESE WAY MORE TALENTED SUES!" and then she burst into beautiful happy tears.  
"Now, on with the voting. You guys, follow me." Jade H. said, once again leading them all to the great hall..  
"You know what to do. Rose Petal, you go first."  
Rose Petal walked up to the sorting hat and wrote 'Vixen,' on it.  
After all the Sues had gone, Jade H. got the hat.  
She pulled out a paper. "First vote: Vixen." There was glares all around at Vixen. News about Chuckles had spread quickly.  
" Next vote...Keanna."  
Next vote...Sandrena.  
Vixen. That's two votes Vixen, one Keanna, and one Sandrena.  
Next, Sandrena.  
Stormy.  
Jade S.  
Sandrena.  
And the second Mary Sue voted out of Hogwarts is...  
TWINTY MINUTES LATER.  
"...Sandrena."  
Everyone gasped and Sandrena looked outraged.  
"Ohhhh, I'll be back! Don't you worry! Then you'll see! You'll all see!" She screamed as she stormed out of the room.  
"Mary Sues, you may return to your room now. Your next challenge will be even harder for you."

END OF EPISODE 2.

NEXT TIME ON, SUEvivor: "HELP ME! I'M STUCK!" Screamed Stormy.  
"Oh my God, she's about to be hit with a watermelon!"  
"Oh, God! Whose idea was it to have us do this?! I'm gonna kill 'em!:

END NOTES: Wow, that took me long enough to write! Jeez! Thank you guys for the reviews! Please review this chapter! D


	3. Challenge 3: Unnamed

SUEvivor.

A/N: Wow, I haven't updated in a loooong time! Anyway, thanks reviewers, I'm surprised you like this! It's not my best work. If you guys want to see a really funny Mary Sue thing, go here: It has five parts and it's freakin' awesome!  
Until then, have fun reading this:D

CHALLENGE 3: CAN'T THINK OF A NAME, SORRY.

It was a sunny day in HogwartsLand. The Sues were all inside the Sue room, doing nothing.  
Stormy was chewing bubble gum upside down, Keanna was plotting world domination, Rose Petal was being radiant, and Jade S. was singing the Simpson's theme song.  
Ever since Sandrena was voted out, things were much less boring in the Sue world, which was pathetic cause it was pretty boring.  
"I wonder what our next challenge will be." Aradia asked.  
"I hope it's better then the last one!" Forrest, who was still recuperating from the AOL incident, said. Her eyes still looked like this: 0.0 "I hope it's something fun!" Stormy moaned, then began choking on her gum.  
"Stormy! How un-Sueish of you!" Said Vixen. She was in a very bad mood because the night before she had tried to escape by turning into a fly and getting out 'unnoticed.' It had not gone well.  
"I bet we'll have to do something hard, like….Math." Jade S. said thoughtfully, even though it was stupid.  
"I just hope we do our best! I bet we'll all get by perfectly!" Rose Petal said encouragingly. Keanna glowed in frustration, threw a pillow at her, and went back to the Smart Sue room. Rose Petal waved her hand and turned the pillow into a butterfly. "I'm sure I'll lose….Because I'm so ordinary…I am." She said as she played with the butterfly.  
"Like…Totally?" Stormy said slowly. She was becoming increasingly unintelligent from not being the star of a fan fic. It's big problem with American!Sues, their not very bright unless someone else makes them so.  
Later on that day, Harriet went and got the mail.  
"OMG! Guys! Guys! We got the instructions for our next challenge!" Harriet screamed, running into the Sue Wing.  
All the Mary Sues excitedly gathered around to hear her read.  
" 'For your next challenge, you will be required to come to the Quidicth field. Do not wear some of your usual gorgeous clothes because you will get messy. You will be there at 6:oo tonight.' "Harriet read.  
"Oooo! It will be something fun!" Stormy said, jumping up and down.  
"This is gonna suck." Keanna moaned.

XOXOXOXOX

At 6:00 that night, all the Sues left their room and headed to the Quidicth field.  
Even though they were not wearing anything nice, they still managed to look good, of course. This time all the clothes looked like something out of a stupid monster movie (you know, how all the girls wear something really small as they run from the ghost.  
When they got there, they all gasped at the same time. The field had been changed into a large obstacle course, complete with a mud pit!  
They all stood in a line and Jade H. walked up to them.  
"Good evening, Sues. Welcome to the next challenge. For this, you will all go through this obstacle course and who ever makes it through first wins immunity. Also, please feel free to fight each other, it brings our ratings way up." She said. "Start over there and….GO!" The Sues looked around at he obstacle course in front of them, unsure where to go.  
Then suddenly, Keanna took of running towards the first thing: They had to climb across monkey bars…over a pit of Jello. "Oh damn it." Jade S. moaned and followed the others to the monkey bars, whining all the way.  
One by one they climbed and, to the disappointment of many of the guys spying on them, they did not fall into the Jello.  
Keanna jumped off the monkey bars and ran across the field, closely followed by Rose Petal and Stormy. The next thing they came to was the pool of mud with a rope hanging over it.  
Stormy gasped as Rose Petal knocked Keanna out of the way and jumped on the rope first.  
Everyone was so shocked that for a moment, no one moved. Then Keanna scowled and jumped after her.  
"Oooo!" Said the announcer. "Rose Petal thought she could get ahead with that move, but she didn't know what's coming next!" As Rose Petal ran from the pit of mud, something very unexpected happened: Watermelons started rolling out from nowhere.  
"Oomph!" Rose Petal landed flat on her face.  
"Oh my god, she's been hit with a watermelon!" Harriet screamed. Her glasses had fallen off and she had an insanely determined look in her eyes.  
Just then, a wolf came charging out of nowhere.  
"Aaaaand there's Vixen coming up in the lead, although she's in wolf form, so I don't think that's allowed, but hey! Whatever!" The announcer cried.  
After almost everyone had dodged the watermelons, they came upon a huge rock wall thingy that they had to climb.  
"OW! OW! OW!" They heard. A few looked behind them to see Aradia being hit with multiple watermelons and rolling down a hill into the mud pit. "Seriously, why are there watermelons?!" Jade S. demanded. "Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to be climbing a wall." She sighed and started climbing.  
Once over the wall, Jade S. saw something strange: Rose Petal was using her evil Sue powers to freeze the others so she would get ahead.  
"BAWHAHAHAHAHA!" She cackled as she ran through the last of the course.  
"Not….Fair…" Stormy said slowly as she unfroze. "Oooo! She'll pay for that!" Keanna yelled. She freed herself from Rose Petal's evil spell and charged after her with (what else) inhuman speed.  
"AAAIIIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!" She shrieked, tackling Rose Petal to the ground.  
"Yes! Yes! Our ratings just went through the roof!" The announcer cried.  
While Keanna and Rose Petal beat each other up, Harriet ran past them.  
"Ha ha, suckers! My natural athleticism makes me perfect for this challenge! Baw hahahahahaha!" Suddenly, everything went in slow motion as Harriet crossed the finish line.  
Keanna and Rose Petal stopped fighting long enough to stare at her like this: 0o0 Then they jumped up and ran after her.  
"Aaaand it's Harriet Potter to the finish line first! Yes, she wins immunity! Coming in next is Keanna, then Rose Petal…Now Vixen, who would have crossed sooner, but got in trouble for turning into a wolf! Next comes Stormy and Jade Sue! And finally, Forrest, who is not doing very well on this challenge! But where's Aradia? Oh my… She's still stuck in the mud. That doesn't look good for her, does it Bob?" The first announcer said.  
"No, it sure doesn't, Phil. But you never know, maybe she'll turn this game around!" Bob said.  
"Ha ha, I doubt it, Bob." Phil laughed.  
"Do you have to doubt me on everything?! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME, DAMMIT?!" Bob screamed, throwing his microphone down.  
"Not here, Bob!" Phil cried. Then they noticed all the Sues looking at them.  
"Umm…OK! Let's go back to The Sue Wing and wait for the next voting ceremony!" Jade H. said, pushing all the Sues back towards the castle.

XOXOXOXOXO 

A few hours later, all the Sues went down to the Great Hall for the voting.  
The found Jade H. waiting for them, as always.  
"Welcome, Sues." she said. "Before we get started, I would like to talk to you about today's challenge. Aradia, what happened out there"  
Aradia sighed. "I don't know. I guess I'm more of the slender, beautiful Sue that doesn't do things like obstacle courses. I'm made for being a great, innocent, perfect Sue." She shook her head.  
"Mmm hmm, mm hmm, and what about you, Rose Petal? We saw a shocking display of aggression out on the field today. What's up with that?" Jade H. asked.  
"Oh, um…Ha ha ha." Rose Petal laughed nervously. "Um, I think it's because of the fact that I am the child of Bellatrix Lastrange and Luscious Malfoy. It was there evil nature coming up inside of me. I //sob// can't help it"  
And readers and viewers everywhere said "Aww, that poor little girl!" at the same time.  
"Oh, that's to bad. Well, let's get on with the voting!" Jade H. said. "Harriet won immunity, so she goes first"  
Harriet went up to the sorting hat and wrote Rose Petal on a piece of paper.  
After everyone had voted, Jade H. got the hat.  
"OK, first vote….Keanna. Next vote…Rose Petal. Rose Petal"  
Rose Petal glared at everyone.  
"So that's two votes Rose Petal and one vote Keanna. Next vote, Aradia. Jade S. Hey! That's me only highly exaggerated! Anyway, Aradia. Aradia. And the last person voted out off of SUEvivor is…….

TWINTY MINUTES LATER….

"…..Aradia"  
Aradia blinked a few times then got up and walked away.  
"Mary Sues, please return to The Sue Wing and await your next challenge." Jade H. said.  
The Sues got up and went back.

END OF CHALLENGE THREE.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: A shocking twist in the game. "I can't believe their doing this!" Said Stormy.  
And another back breaking challenge.

A/N: Hope you guys like it! Also, hope you look at that link up there, it's really funny. If you review, please don't flame! 


	4. Challenge 4: the victem

SUEvivor.

A/N: Grrr! Why didn't the link that I mentioned last chapter come up?! It was a really funny Mary Sue comic/cartoon thing about what happens when too many of them come to Hogwarts.

Speaking of the little devils, I just read the most sickening Mary Sue story in the world. I died a little when I read the retardedness. Died. Anyway, please review! J

CHALLENGE 4: THE VICTIM TEST.

Another week went by with nothing much happening. Sure, Rose Petal found a cure for some horrible disease, but what else is new?

With Aradia gone, things had become less intelligent because she was a Smart!Sue. Now there were only three left: Keanna, Vixen, and Forrest.

There was also increasing hostility between the Sues and especially between Keanna and Rose Petal.

Ever since Rose Petal and beat her up, Keanna had started planning out ways to destroy her.

//Jade S. and Stormy are on camera//

"So yeah, like we've sorta got an alliance together, cause we're like, friends and stuff." Stormy said.

"Yeah, we've decided we won't try to vote each other out, but we are going to try to get Rose Petal outa here. And even though we don't like Keanna, we're going to see if she'll help cause we know she hates her." Jade S. said.

"Yeah, Rose Petal is like, a major threat." Stormy said. "She could be more Sueish the me!!!"

"And not only that, but she's also a lying cheater! She said her parents were Lucious Malfoy and Belletrix Lastrange, but first she said her parents were dead!" Jade S. cried.

"Mmm hmm." Said Stormy. "Like, yeah."

//back to the Sue Room//

"Hey guys, we got our next challenge!" Vixen said, holding up the mail.

"Oooo! What is it?!" Rose Petal asked.

"It says: 'To the Sues: For this challenge, you will be leaving Hogwarts grounds and venturing into Hogsmeade. You will not, however, be privileged to do any shopping or any other activity that does not go along with the challenge. Please be there at 7:oo tonight.' "

"Oh man." Stormy said. The others turned around and saw Stormy, holding her purse and half way out the door.

"What are you doing?" Keanna said warily.

"I wanna go shopping!" Stormy sobbed.

XOXOXOXOXO

As the note instructed, the Sues went to Hogsmeade at 7 and waited for Jade H.

"Ohhh…" Stormy said dreamily, her hands on a window of a clothing store 'Mary Sues R Us.'

It was the place where all Sues got their skimpy little outfits.

"No," said Forrest, pulling her away. "The note said no shopping."

"B-but there's a sail on all fish net stuff!" Stormy sobbed.

"Good evening , Sues," said Jade H.

"Hi, Jade H," the Sues said dully.

"So, how's it going?" Jade H. asked.

"LOOK AT ALL THE FISH NET STOCKINGS AND MINI SKIRTS I COULD BE BUYING!!!!!" Stormy sobbed, falling to her knees as a young Mary Sue walked out of the store carrying many items.

"Not that good, huh?" Jade H. asked them. "Well, don't worry. Tonight you will be one step closer to achieving your goal of The Ultimate Mary Sue. Now, you may be wondering what your next challenge is.

Here is what you have to do: You will go into these cafés," a bunch cafés appeared out of nowhere. " And try to make as many men fall in love with you or go out with you as possible. Who ever gets the most the fastest will win tonight's immunity. Good luck, Sues." And with that, Jade H. walked off, laughing evilly.

"YAY! A FUN CHALLENGE! Don't worry girls, I got this down!" Stormy cried, racing to the café.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

//Jade S.//

Jade S. walked through the café, looking for people who would be good victims-I mean _boyfriends. _

Of course, seeing as how she's an author Sue, I'm going to exaggerate this beyond mercy.

At the sight of her, every male in the place dropped their cappuccinos and lattes and starred shamelessly, bewitched by her eyes, that were endless pools of…I don't…love or something.

They were the deepest brown and her long hair was the color of gold/ sunlight/ ripened wheat/ fresh from the oven biscuits.

When she sat next to the first victim- I mean _guy_, he wept uncontrollably from her strange beauty.

Huh, I think I could be a Mary Sue author now!

"Hi. My name is Jade, but you can call me DJ," Jade S. said, flipping her blond hair.

"Why would he call you DJ?" The victim's girlfriend said. She looked more then a little upset.

"Oh, ya know. My author's first name starts with a D and I need a cute little nick name," Jade S. said, again tossing her hair. "Anyway, will you fall in love with me?"

"Bluh..Bluh…Guh…Huhn..Mmmpf.." That was all the poor guy managed.

"So, that's a yes?" Jade S. asked.

He nodded his head violently, drool flying everywhere.

XOXOXOXOXO

//Stormy//

Stormy was not going through the café. She was setting up a booth a in front of the windows.

She had had to cast a repelling charm around herself because all the men were throwing themselves at her. Yes, that's why she was created, but with so many of them pouncing at her, she could get hurt.

So that's why she was setting up a booth, so that she could see her victims- I mean _potential customers _one at a time. And to make sure she didn't mess a man, she was wearing her No-Fail-Always-Get-A-Guy-Sexy-On-Her-Sluty-On-Everyone-Else-Skin-Tight red dress, three foot high heeled boots, and the staple of Mary Sue wardrobes everywhere, fish net stockings.

Also, too much mascara, lip plumping lip gloss (though her lips were already weighting her head down) and smoky eye shadow.

Once she had finished, she sat down at her booth and set a sign out that said 'Now taking boyfriends.'

When she released the charm, there was a flurry of movement as every man in the building rushed up to get to her.

"Please form a line and come up one by one-AAAAAAAA!!!!" Stormy and the booth were crushed under the mob of people.

"No, no!" She cried. "Get off-This is not helping-Ok, your not even going to be considered now…"

XOXOXOXOXOXO

//Harriet//

To prepare for the task at hand, Harriet had gotten eye contacts instead of just using her glasses. Now her eyes were 'deep sapphire blue.'

She sat down at a big table all alone and tried to look angst-y, with her curly ebony hair covering part of her face and her scar clearly visible.

The first guy came to her like a moth to a flame, his eyes glazed over by her beauty.

"Oh, hello." She said sweetly. "May I help you?"

"Wow….Your like…Really pretty. I can tell your sweet and innocent and full of angst. Will you date me?" The guy asked.

"Oh, really?! I didn't think anyone would ever wish to date me, not with my horrible disfigurement." Harriet hung her head, but proceeded to show her scar in better light.

"I think it's beautiful! Wait a minute, what did you say your name was?" The guy asked.

"Harriet Hope Potter." Harriet said slowly so he would not miss out on the fact she was The Girl Who Lived.

"You mean the sister of Harry Potter?!"

"Yeah, but it's a total secret, don't tell Voldemort!" Harriet cried, her eyes getting so wide her contacts almost fell out.

"Oh, wow. How did you get your scar?" The guy asked her.

Harriet blinked. That was one of the many things her author had left out,  
"Oh, ya know….Um, when Harry got his scar, since I'm his twin, I got a scar too." She explained.

"Hmm. Why isn't yours in a lightning blot shape, too?" The guy asked her, frowning.

"DAMMIT! DO YA WANNNA DATE ME OR NOT??!?!?!?!?!?"

XOXOXOXOXOXO

//Rose Petal//

Rose Petal was so sure she would fail on this challenge. Who could ever love an ugly, _ordinary _girl like herself? No one, she thought.

So she sighed and applied her light pink lip gloss . Yeah, that's all she needed.

She wore her school uniform, ya know, cause she was so _ORDINARY._

As she walked through the café, many people actually fainted and all the men's girl friends tried to kill her or something like that because they were so jealous of her natural beauty and grace.

"Hello." She said in her enchanting voice. "My name is Rose Petal Sapphire Delphinie Butterfly Karma Mary Susan Avaya Bella Delacroix Malfoy Black Dumbledore. What's yours?"

"Um, Jim, I think." The poor guy said.

"Well, Jim, how about you fall madly in love with me?" Rose Petal asked

"Yes, please." He said.

"Eeeeexcellent." Rose Petal said, putting her hands together. Then she got a wonderful idea.

"Excuse me, buy I need to stand here. You don't mind, do you?" She asked the woman behind the counter of the café.

"Of course not!" The woman said, throwing herself to floor, mumbling "I am not worthy!"

And so Rose Petal stood up on the counter. "Attention all men: If you are madly in love with me, raise your hand."

And of course, they almost all raised their hands, which lead to a violent argument about who loved her more and who she would choose.

"Maw hahahahahaha." Rose Petal laughed softly, and then she left.

XOXOXOXOXO

//Vixen//

Vixen walked into her assigned café, looking wildly beautiful of course.

She didn't actually have a plain of action, but she knew she could get all the guys she needed.

Upon her entrance, every jaw in the room dropped. She smiled. "_Yes, all will go well." _She thought.

Vixen looked around and made sure most guys were watching her. Then, she turned into a cat and jumped on to the table of the one closest to her.

"Oh, no! You weren't supposed to see that!" She said, pretending like it was a big deal.

"Wow, your amazing!" The guy gasped.

"I know. It's so difficult, being a talking animagus/ were beast. We're highly disliked, even though were also incredibly powerful and important," She said, turning back into a human and yet still sitting on his table.

"Oh, curse those anti-half breed people! How could they treat someone like you like that?!" The man demanded angrily.

"Yes, yes, it's awful. Why don't you go out with me and we can discuss it further?" Vixen said impatiently.

"Oh, of course!" The dude said enthusiastically.

"Wonderful. Now I must go and find more men. See you tonight." Vixen said, walking away to do it all again.

XOXOXOXO

//Forrest//

Forrest had been in the café for a while now and had only received a bunch of stares from some of the guys. "They must be gay." She muttered to herself.

She was beginning to worry that she would win the challenge. She pulled out her little mirror (of course a Mary Sue would carry a mirror. They usually carry more then one.) and checked herself. She looked fine. Her long brown hair looked sexy and everything! Maybe she wasn't being angst-y enough.

"Ahem." She said, coming up to the table of some guy. She tried to look all hurt and sad. "I don't mean to bother you, but can I borrow the salt? My table doesn't have any."

He looked at her strangely. "Why do you need salt for coffee?"

She blinked. "Will you go out with me?"

"Huh?" He asked. Then he looked at her. "Ah, OK."

She jumped in the air. "YES!!"

XOXOXOXOXO

//Keanna//

Keanna walked into her café feeling very confident. She had a plan that would help her win for sure.

As the came to the closet guy, who was sharing a table with his girlfriend, she used her powers to lift him out of his seat.

"Hello, I'm Keanna, daughter of the Dark Lord Voldemort. While I am against him and all his wicked ways, I will have him destroy any man who refuses to go out with me. Now, mister, will you go out with me?" She asked evilly.

"Y-yes, whatever just don't hurt me!!!" The guy sobbed.

"Anyone else?" Keanna asked everyone.

As an answer, everyone threw themselves at her feet, begging forgiveness.

"He hehehe." Keanna cackled and left the building.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

//OK, I'm assuming that's all the Sues that are left, so let's just get on with it.//

Jade. H was waiting for the Mary Sues to return.

They all hiked up the hill that lead to Hogwarts and stopped in front of her.

Stormy looked awful, all beat up. Her hair was even messed up, which never happened to Sues!

Rose Petal was just barely keeping all the guys away by making a force field around herself (you should know she can do that).

"Hello, Sues. How was the challenge?" Jade H. asked.

They all burst into excited chatter about their fun experience in making random people fall in love with them.

"Well, isn't that nice? It's so much fun to break the hearts of tons of guys! OK, Stormy. You obviously got a lot of men to….Attack you, I suppose. How many?" Jade. H asked.

Stormy smiled triumphantly, showing a chipped tooth. "Every man in the building!!!"

All the Sues gasped. Jade H. looked shocked. "B-b-but we purposely threw some gay guys in there! Just to make it harder!!!"

"Well, I did!" Stormy said happily.

"Wow! Rose Petal? How 'bout you?"

Rose Petal was giving Stormy a death glare. "I got all but two."

"Oh…OK. Hmm. Keanna?" Jade H. asked, giving Rose Petal a weird look.

Keanna smirked. "Silly mortal, I got them all, too!"

"Yes, you did, but the security cameras in the café show that you threatened to have your father kill them all if they didn't go out with you, so we have to take away all but ten of them." Jade H. said apologetically.

"WHAT?! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! I DEMAND TO HAVE THEM ALL COUNT! THIS IS UNFAIR! YOUR ALL JUST JEALOUS! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Keanna screamed.

"Not if you want to stay in the game you won't. Now Forrest, how many did you manipulate into loving you? "

Forrest looked very sad. "There were about 20 guys in my café. I regret to say that I managed to snag…7."

"Oh my head…Um, that's cool, you still did good. Vixen?" Jade H. said, turning to her.

"Oh…I would say…twelve out of fifteen of them."

"Thank god, some decent numbers! And Jade. S, how many fell in love with you?" Jade H. asked her Sue self.

"Well, I got all but four, but I think they were the gay ones." Jade S. said causally.

"Of course we did! So, Harriet, how'd you do?"

"Um, I used my angst to get all the people I could. It worked pretty well, cause it got me almost half the guys there." Harriet said, looking like someone who had no angst at all.

"That's wonderful! Now I will announce who wins immunity. This week's winner is…..

TWENTY MINUTES LATER…

"……Stormy!"

"YAY! OH MY GOD I WON! I TOTALLY SAW THAT COMING!!!!AAAAAAA!!!!" Stormy screamed, jumping up and down.

"OK, Sues, please go back to your room until it's time for the voting." Jade H. said and the Mary Sues went back to the Sue Wing.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

That night, the Sues went to the Great Hall for the voting.

They found Jade H. waiting in front of the sorting hat, as usual.

"Sues, you know what to do. Stormy goes first." Jade H. told them.

Stormy smugly walked up to the hat and nodded at Jade S. before writing 'Rose Petal' on the piece of paper.

Keanna went next, also nodding at them. She too wrote Rose Petal. Jade S. and Stormy had talked to her after that night's challenge and she agreed to vote her out.

After they had all voted, Jade H. went and got the hat.

"OK, first vote, Rose Petal."

Jade S., Keanna, and Stormy grinned.

"Next, Rose Petal. Forrest. Rose Petal. That's three Rose Petal and one Forrest. Next, Forrest. Forrest. And the fourth person voted out SUEvivor is……….."

TWENTY MINUTES LATER…

"…Forrest."

"What?! But I'm not even a threatening Sue! Why vote me out?" Forrest demanded.

"Yeah, but your also not as fun to watch as say, Stormy or Rose Petal." Jade H. pointed out.

"Fine! Some day I'll make you all pay!" Forrest said, storming out.

"Oky doky, everybody go back to your rooms. I'll see you next week." Jade H. told them.

And they left.

END OF CHALLENGE FOUR.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: "I'm like, gonna nail this one!" Stormy said happily.

"That little //beeep// stole my idea! I was going to do that!!!" Keanna screamed.

END NOTES: I know there weren't any big surprises, but it would have called for a lot more stuff then I was planning on writing, and it would have made someone else got voted out. So here's the link again. If it doesn't come up, I don't know what's going on. Hope it works! Please review! J


	5. Challenge 5: Talent show

SUEvivor.

A/N: Well, I'll try the freakin' link one more time and if it doesn't work out, it's not meant to be: http:// htm. OK, please review! )

Challenge 5: Talent.

All the Mary Sues were sitting in the kitchen eating ice cream and talking about their time at Hogwarts.

"So what house were you in, Stormy?" Vixen asked.

"Gryffindor, of course!" Stormy said looking surprised that she hadn't known.

"No, no. What Mary Sue house were you in?" Vixen explained. All Mary Sues were sorted into a certain house that was not in the canon world and based on what type of Sue they were. The author of this fic was sorted into the house Sparklypoo on a quiz web site.

"Oh, I was in TootsieTramp, obviously. It's where all the really sluty, gorgeous Sues go." Stormy said smugly.

"I was put in Sparklypoo, where all the annoying, perfect, classic Sues go." Said Jade S.  
"I was put in there, too." Said Rose Petal.  
"Jade, you should switch houses." Stormy declared.

"I was put into BitchWitch myself." Keanna told them. "That's where they put all the Sues who act all defiant and mean, but are really just broken hearted"  
"Really? I was put into QanonRepe, because that's where the Sues that butcher cannon go." Harriet said.

"Oh, yes. I remember my days as a young Sue. I was sorted into BitchWitch, too, because my were-wolf-ness was making me horrible and only Remus could love me." Vixen said sadly.

"Oh, so tragic. Hey, the mail just came." Stormy said.

"How do you know?" Jade S. asked.

"Duh, telepathic!" Stormy said, jumping up to get the mail.  
When she returned she was carrying the instructions for the next challenge.

"This is gonna be like flippin' awesome!" She screamed, slamming the letter down on the table so everyone could read it. It said: 'To the Mary Sues of Hogwarts. Your next challenge will be at 8:oo tonight. You will all be required to perform a talent in front of Jade H., her sister Raven, and a celebrity judge.'

"A talent show?! I'm like gonna nail this one!" Stormy cried.

"Crap, I have no talents that can be done like that!" Jade S. said sadly.

"Really? I have the perfect thing!" Keanna said.

"I hope the celebrity judge is Bob or Phil!" Rose Petal said enthusiastically. "I really hope they worked out their relationship. "

"Yeah." They all agreed, except for Keanna, who had rushed to her room (which she now only shared with Vixen) to plot what she would do.

//Keanna's cam//

"This is perfect!" She cried, eyes glowing with happiness. "I can use this challenge to show how depressed and miserable and self-hating I am! Also, it will show how hard my life has been! How, you may ask, do I plan to do that? By singing something angsty of course!" "Hmm, which one is good enough to convey my feelings?" She asked as she started looking through her huge CD collection.  
"AHA! " She cried. "Perfect!! 'Lonely Girl,' by P!nk!" 

Keanna did not know that Rose Petal was listening to her every word.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

At eight, all the Sues headed to the Great Hall for the challenge, and all of them had great ideas.

As they entered, they found it had been changed to resemble a large stage with spot lights and stuff.

"Hello, Mary Sues." Jade H. said, standing up to greet them. "So, you know that my sister and I will be two judges, but do you know who the next one is?" She asked. They all shook their heads.

"Right. So will the celebrity judge please come out?" Jade H. called.

The red curtain was dramatically swept away and the most beautiful women they had ever seen came walking gracefully out.  
She had hair that was not one color, but the perfect blend of several. Her eyes were swirling pools of blue, green, and violet, framed by long, somehow glittering eyelashes. And her skin was ivory, because it seems most Mary Sues are, and her dress was fit for a princess (she was the princess of the wizarding world, after all). When she spoke, angels actually cried, for it was so pretty.  
"Sues, this is K-Ka-no, it's Sa-Um-oh, I can't say it! This is last year's SUEvivor winner!" Jade H. announced. All the Mary Sues dropped to the floor bowing to her.

"Yes, yes, I am. And my name is very simple: Sakaganamkaylamarysuekatrina LoveBlossom Faith Amazinga (insert cannon connection name) 007. I have more power then anyone ever and am basically awesome. There's no way that any of you can be half as good as me, but one of you will be expectable." Whatsername said.

"Yes, well, Stormy won immunity last week, so she'll go first." Jade H. said.  
Stormy nodded and went up to the stage as the judges sat down.

"Well, being an American!Sue, it was very hard to decide what I wanted to do since I have Sooo many talents. In the end, I decided on demonstrating my awesome powers." Stormy told them all.  
"I don't even need to say the spell, I'm that good."

Stormy nodded to the people in charge of the lighting and the spot light went right on her. There was also a drum roll.

Stormy raised her right hand and it glowed silver (just like what Eragon's does when he does magic). Her hair billowed around her and wind swept through the Great Hall.  
Suddenly lights flooded everywhere and a rushing sound filled the room.  
Then it ended. Everyone looked around. "Uh, what did you do?" Raven asked.

"I just turned night into day." stormy said smugly. "Wow! That's incredible! OK, next up, Rose Petal." Jade H. said.

Rose Petal happily went to the stage.

"Since I have no talent, I decided to use this opportunity to show how full of angst I am. So I will sing a song from P!nk called 'Lonely Girl.' I find it really describes what I feel, though I try to remain optimistic and sweet."

"That little //beeep// stole my idea! I was going to do that!" Keanna screamed. "Aaaaarrrrggg!!!! I can't believe that!"

But know one was listening because Rose Petal had started to sing in her angelic voice:

I can remember the very first time I cried How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside All of my memories - good and bad - that's past Didn't even take the time to realize Starin' at the cracks in the walls Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end Still I curl up right under the bed Cuz its takin' over my head all over again Do you even know who you are? I guess I'm tryin' to find A borrowed dream or a superstar? I want to be a star Is life good to you or is it bad? I can't tell anymore Do you even know what you have? Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight How the birds will sing as I count the rings around my eyes Constantly pushing the world I know aside I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try I'm lookin' for a way to become The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen Oh, nothin' is ever enough Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem Do you even know who you are? I'm still tryin' to find A borrowed dream or a superstar? Everybody wants to be Is life good to you or is it bad? I can't tell anymore Do you even know what you have? No Sorry girl, tell a tale for me Cuz I'm wondering how you really feel I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you Cuz I'm just tryin' to make all my dreams come true Do you even know who you are? Oh, yeah, yeah A borrowed dream or a superstar? Oh, I wanted to be a star Is life good to you or is it bad? I can't tell, I can't tell anymore Do you even know what you have? I guess not, oh I guess not Do you even know who you are? Oh, I'm tryin' to find A rising dream or a superstar? Oh, I have a all these dreams Is life good to you or is it bad? I can't tell anymore Do you even know what you have? No, no Do you even know what you are? A rising dream or a fallen star? Is life good to you or is it bad?

All the judges, even Sakaganamkaylamarysuekatrina LoveBlossom Faith Amazinga (insert cannon connection name) 007, were crying their eyes out cause she had done it so beautify. I mean, P!nk did it really well, but Rose Petal like, was the best!

"Wow, we had no idea that you felt that way!" Jade H. said, wiping her eyes. "I mean, your just so sad, it makes us want to love you more!"

"But it was my idea first!" Keanna screamed, her hair wiping around her face and thunder crashing in the back ground.

"Oh, yeah, you people are here to. Well, Keanna, you go ahead and do your thing, though I don't think it well make much of a deference. " Jade H. said and the others laughed.

Keanna looked like she would kill something. But then she got a horrible smirk on her face and said sweetly, "Alright, but for this I'll need Rose Petal to help me."

Rose Petal froze and stared at her. "Oh…Um, OK." And she slowly walked up to the stage again.

"Right, well, all Mary Sues are all powerful, of course. So for this, I will show you something that I find very useful." Keanna said, glowering at Rose Petal. "Of course, I was going to do the exact same thing as Rose Petal did, but something came up." Keanna walked up next to Rose Petal. "You will cheat on this show no more, you evil little //bleep//."

Keanna stood directly in front of Rose Petal. "You will notice that I have no wand, and yet can do this very well anyway." Keanna stared at Rose Petal for a minute, with everyone else watching intently. Then suddenly…

Pop

Rose Petal was no longer on the stage. Actually, she wasn't even in the building.

"YAY! WOOO! THE WITCH IS GONE! YAY!" Jade S. and Stormy cried, jumping up and down.

"Keanna, I thought I told you that you couldn't kill anyone!" Jade H. screamed.

"Hey! I did not kill her, I sent her half way across the world so that she would no longer bug us!" Keanna said angrily.

"Oy. This is gonna be hard to figure out. //sigh// Alright, Harriet, get up here and DO NOT banish anyone." Jade H. said.

Harriet came onto the stage. "Well, as you know, I am the sister of Harry Potter. Therefore, I have been blessed with special gifts, that some how escaped Harry. For this challenge, I will demonstrate by using by super awesome powers to find one of the Horcruxes."

"What?! Won't that screw up the prophecy or something?! Come on, there's going to be a whole book about Harry finding the Horcruxes, and now your just going to do it for him?!" Raven demanded.

"Don't question me, mortal! Mary Sues have power over stupid 'prophecies'! Now shut it and watch!" Harriet spat.

She closed her eyes and, as always, her hair began to swirl around her head, because apparently powerful magic effects hair. Her eyes turned ice blue and her scar (I can't remember, I think it was a half moon) started glowing.  
Her arm lifted and she pointed in one direction, then slowly floated- yes, floated- off the stage.

The judges watched, highly confused, as she took the Sprite can off the table in front of Jade H. and tossed it in the air.  
Then she pointed her wand at it and cried "Horcurxus Begoneus FakeLatinus!" And the can erupted into flames.

Harriet shook her head and everything returned to normal.

"Oh my god, my Sprite was holding Lord Voldemort's soul?!" Jade H. shrieked.

"Uh huh. " Harriet said dully.

"That doesn't make sense, she just got that can." Raven said suspiciously.

Before Harriet could answer, Voldemort walked passed. "Hiya folks! Still haven't my Horcruxes, I see!" He said cheerily, going over to the vending machine. "Hey, could one of you give me a quarter?"

They all glared at Harriet.

"OK, maybe that wasn't a Horcrux, but it was pretty cool, wasn't it?" She demanded.

"Not a real Horcrux? It wasn't even a real spell! But yeah, still pretty cool magic." Sakaganamkaylamarysuekatrina LoveBlossom Faith Amazinga (insert cannon connection name) 007 said.

"Yeah, it totally was." The others agreed.

"OK, then Vixen, please come up." Jade h. said.

Vixen came on to the stage.

"Well, for this I thought I would show how awesome I am at my Animagus-ness. It was surprisingly easy for me to learn. Anyway, here we go."

'Wild Thing' started playing somewhere in the back ground and Vixen started to turn into different animals.  
She started off easy, turning into a cat, dog, frog, chicken, horse, panda, deer, then got a little more complex. Elephant, mouse, eagle (and then went soaring around the judges heads'), lion, black bear, troll (which isn't an animal, but it was cool), shark, and the she went big, turning into people. Jade H., Raven, Stormy, George Bush, Josh Holloway, Voldemort, and then all the Mary Sues in turn. Finally, she turned back into herself, to wild applause from the judges.

"THAT WAS FREAKIN' AWESOME!" Jade H. screamed. "You learned how to turn into all those things?!"

"Yeah, all in about a day." Vixen said.

"It was rather impressive." Sakaganamkaylamarysuekatrina LoveBlossom Faith Amazinga (insert cannon connection name) 007 agreed.

"Wow, thank you Vixen! Now last but not least, Jade S.!" Raven said.

Jade S. came out and sighed.

"Yeah, I kinda don't have a talent that can be done on stage like that. I can like, draw and stuff, but you don't do that on stage. So I'm just gonna stand here and do this:" Jade S. held up her hand and moved her thumb back and forth, and it started making a clicking sound. Yes, I can really do that and it is very strange.

"Wow…That's weird…OK, you can go now." Raven said. "Jeez, that's what it would look like if Luna Lovegood got high."

A few minutes later, the judges had stopped talking and had decided who won for that night.  
They called all the Sues back out (except for Rose Petal, who still hadn't been found) and stood in front of them.

"Now, you all did great tonight, but there can only be one winner. And tonight that winner is….."

TWENTY MINUTES LATER….

"….Vixen."

Vixen started screaming and jumping up and down.

"OK, now please go back to your room until the voting."

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

A few hours later, they all headed down to the Great Hall.

"Good evening, Sues. Vixen, you won immunity, you go first." Jade H. said.

Vixen voted and then the others did. Soon, it was over.

Jade H. got up and brought the sorting hat to the table.

"The first vote goes to…Keanna."

Keanna crossed her arms angrily.

"Next vote…Jade S. Harriet. Harriet. So that's one vote Keanna, one vote Jade S., and two votes Harriet. Next vote, Stormy. And the fifth person voted out of SUEvivor is….

TWENTY MINUTES LATER….

"…Harriet."

Harriet looked horrified. "But…That's not fair!" She sputtered.  
"Of course it is. Now go." Jade H. said.

Harriet got up and ran off.

"OK, that's all for this week. Now please return to your room." Jade H. said and the Sues left.

END OF CHALLENGE 5.

NEXT WEEK: "This is weird, we got five different letters!" Stormy said.  
"What are you guys doing here!?" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!"

End notes: Wow, that took forever! Thank you everyone who reviewed! J 


	6. Challenge 6: unnamed again

SUEvivor

CHALLENGE 6: ONCE AGAIN, I CAN'T THINK OF A NAME.

A/N: Thank you if you reviewed! Well, I almost got the link posted! That's a sign! The universe wants me to post this, so here it is again: http:// pirate monkey sinc. com/ ms 1. Htm. OK, hope that works. D

No one could believe that Harriet, who was so Sueish, was voted out.  
Now the only Sues left were Stormy, Jade S., Keanna, Rose Petal, and Vixen, though Rose Petal still had not been found.

Keanna was very much nicer now that Rose Petal wasn't there to bug her, and Stormy and Rose Petal were, if possible, even crazier due to their happiness.

"Ya know, I kinda feel bad about being happy for Rose Petal's disappearance. Oh, who cares?! She was horrible!" Jade S. cried that day.

"How could you think that?! She's a total //bleep//! I couldn't be happier!" Stormy said.

"Hey, look! We just got a letter!" Vixen said, for a letter had just appeared on the table in front of them.

She opened it and read out loud. " 'To the Sues of Hogwarts: Rose Petal has been found living in Australia and will be coming back right now.' " 

They all looked up when they heard the door open. Rose Petal came in, looking just as nice as ever. She didn't even seem angry at Keanna for banishing her to another country a week before.

"Hello everyone! Isn't it just a beautiful day?!" She cried.

Keanna looked up at the ceiling and screamed, "WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!?!?!? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!?!?"

Rose Petal giggled annoyingly. "Oh, you silly, lesser Sue! Don't you know that I control your destiny"  
Vixen and Jade S. had to hold Keanna back when she tried to kill Rose Petal.

Rose Petal grinned. "I knew you were going to do that!"

"OK, OK, lets not kill each other so far along in the game! Plus, I just got the mail!" Stormy said, though she was a little disappointed that Keanna had not been allowed to destroy Rose Petal.

"This is weird, we got five different letters!" Stormy said. She handed the Sues their letters and opened her own.

"OH MY FLIPPIN' GOD! WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT CHALLENGES!" Jade S. screamed.

"Why are you screaming?" Vixen demanded.  
"Ya know, I don't know, this just seems big." Jade S. said, reading her letter again.

"Well, we have almost the same challenge, it just has different specifics." Keanna pointed out. "It says on all of them that we are to go to the Great Hall tonight and act out a stereotypical romance fic scene with our assigned boy toy. Just the scenes and the victims-I mean guys are different."

"OOO! OOO! There's victims?! I could only be happier if Rose Petal was gone!" Stormy cried, happy tears welling in her eyes. She looked at her letter and started shrieking. "AAAAAAAA!!!! I GOT DRACO MALFOY!!!!! WOOO!!! YAY!"

Jade S. looked at her own letter and nearly fainted. "I got Severus Snape! Oh joy! Thank you god!" She sobbed.

"Well, I got Remus, obviously," Vixen said. "Keanna? Who'd you get?"

"I hate fan fiction authors. How could they put me with this //bleep// (curses like a sailor, doesn't she?) ?!!" Keanna demanded.

Jade S. looked over her shoulder and started laughing. "Oh, that would so never happen! Her fan fic boy friend is Harry Potter!"

"But…but that means I don't have Harry!" Rose Petal screamed.

"And suddenly I'm happy with my victim!" Keanna said. "Whose the lesser Sue now?"

"I got…..Ron!" Rose Petal said, nearly fainting.

"This must be the writers of the game punishing you for cheating! You don't get the hero! HAHAHAHAHA"  
Stormy laughed nastily. (A/N, I don't have anything against Ron, he's alright, but Rose Petal wanted Harry. Don't flame me for bashing Ron or something cause I'm not.)

"Well, it says that we need to be down there at 7:oo tonight. I hope we have good challenges!" Vixen said.

"Vixen, anything with Draco is awesome!" Stormy said enthusiastically.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

At 7:oo that night, all the Mary Sues went down to the Great Hall.

Jade H. was there, and so were to more people: BOB AND PHIL!!!!

"Bob! Phil! How are you doing?!" Rose Petal cried.

"Oh, we're doing great! We've had some serious counseling and now everything's fine!" Phil said.  
"Well, everything's OK, I guess." Bob said.  
"No, everything. Is. perfect. Right, Bob?" Phil said through gritted teeth.  
"Um…right. Perfect." Bob said, glaring at Phil.

"Um, you guys might wanna go back to counseling. Anyway, tonight's challenge will be started off by Stormy. Everyone else will wait outside and Bob and Phil will help me judge the winner." Jade H. said and all the other Sues left.

"So, you know what you have to do, right?" Jade H. asked her.

"No, not really."

"OK, well, as I'm sure you know, no Mary Sue fic can be complete without an idiotic romance scene. All the Sues have a different scene based on what type of Sue they are. You are American!Sue and you are paired with Draco. In this scene you and Draco are arguing about who is better at magic and stuff. You get more points for using as many clichés, over used adjectives, Sueishness, OOCness and stuff you can. Here's Draco now." Jade H. said.

Draco had just come in. He stared at Stormy, of course, because of her Sueish beauty. You could tell she was awesome just by looking at her, cause pretty people are always awesome, right?

"You must be Stormy." He whispered.

She nearly made him faint by smiling at him. "Yep! And you must be Draco!" She said happily.

"Yes, that's Draco," Jade H. answered for him since he could not speak. "Hope you snap out of this in time to do the challenge."

"Yeah, we're ready," Stormy said.

Draco and Stormy-I mean Stormy and Draco went to the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables and sat down.

Draco looked at his instructions. They said that he was supposed to start things by taunting Stormy about being an American muggle born.  
He cleared his throat and turned around to look at her.  
"Hey, Stormy! So you're the new girl, eh? From America?" He asked meanly.

Stormy's millions of friends who had suddenly appeared froze. Stormy turned around slowly, her eyes turning slowly blood red. ("Oooo, that's good!" Jade H. cried. Bob and Phil nodded in approval.)

"Yes, I am. Dumbledore announced that last night when he made the speech about how great I am." Stormy said softly, tossing her perfect blond hair.

Malfoy sneered. "Your also a muggle born, right?"

"Well, see, my father is a muggle and he beat me a lot, but my mother is a world famous witch who discovered the only way to defeat Voldemort, but was tragically killed when Voldemort found out." Stormy explained.

"So you're an American muggle born? I'll bet you can't do magic half as good as I can, being rich and hot and all." Malfoy said.

"Are you like, kidding me? She's like, awesome and stuff, Malfoy! You could like, never defeat her, like, ever!" Hermione said. Except now she was Mia and Stormy had given her a cool make over. Also, she decided smart wasn't hot enough and now said 'like' every other word.

"Oh really? Well, maybe we should compare?" Malfoy suggested, his cold grey eyes flashing.

"Wow, that was good. Using typical fan girl description to show what he looked like!" Bob said.

"OK, after school, at the black lake. Then we'll see how great I am!" Stormy said, and all the students started talking excitedly about the coming duel.

"Like, Storm, you'll like, kill him!" Mia gasped.

"Nuff! Yeah. Errrgg! Must…Get…Buff!" Harry panted as he lifted weights (how else does he get so muscle-ly?) 

"It's the only way he'll learn!" Stormy said dramatically.  
A while later she caught herself staring at the Slytherin hotty. 'This can't be happening! Could it be that I'm falling for Malfoy?!' Stormy thought.

Later on that day, all the students gathered around the black lake to watch Stormy be awesome.

She was there, waiting for Malfoy.

He finally came, looking super confident.

"Ready?" She asked, eyes flashing red again.

"Of course." Malfoy said.

Before he even noticed that things were happening, Stormy had her wand out.

"DESTROYO!" She screamed.

Malfoy flew across the lake and landed on the other side.

Everyone cheered because they were in awe of Stormy's awesomeness.

"Wow," Malfoy gasped as he sat up. "She is incredible! I must be falling in love with her, though we just met and the first thing we did was get in a fight!"

"Aaaand that's enough!" Jade H. said and everything became normal again. "That was great! OK, next up is Keanna."

Keanna entered the room haughtily. "What must I do?"

"Um, OK, well, you will be sharing a scene with Harry where your telling him about how your Voldemort's daughter and all. Oh, here's Harry now," Jade H. said.

Harry came and gave Keanna a look that clearly said he didn't like her.  
"Ready?" Jade H. asked them.

"Yeah, yeah," Keanna said. Then she walked past Harry and whispered, "My father will crush you."

"OK, go!" Jade H. told them.

Keanna's eyes immediately filled with tears. "Harry, I must speak with you."

"I can't even look at you now, Keanna. You're the daughter of the man who murdered my family!" Harry cried.

"Harry, you don't understand! I'm also really hot!" Keanna sobbed.

"What do you want with me?" Harry screamed, slamming her against the wall. "You want to hand me over to your father and let him kill me?! You may be drop dead gorgeous, but I can't ever be with you!"

"Harry, please don't do this to me! I would never do anything to make me less awesome!" Keanna sobbed. "I never even knew my father and I would never let him hurt you!"

"I can't be sure of anything now! I always thought pretty people were the best kind of people! Now, nothing is right!" Harry cried as he walked away.

"Harry I love you!" Keanna called after him. "Now please excuse me as I make a dramatic sacrifice for love." And Keanna pulled out her wand and was just about to cast a dramatic spell when Harry ran after her and they started making out.

"Cut! OK, people, that was great! Next up, Jade S." Jade H. announced.

Jade S. came in and looked around for Severus. When he came through the door she started screaming.

"Jade! JADE!!! Your supposed to be the Mary Sue, here! Act like one! Now anyway, you guys' scene is that Jade S. is going to be Snape's new potion's assistant. Need I say more? Alright, take it away." (And everything written in italics is said in a really sexy voice.)

The Great Hall suddenly turned into the dungeons. The were filled with oh-so-sexy slowly simmering caldrons and smoke…from the caldrons.  
"Hello, Professor," Jade S. coughed. It was supposed to come out in a soft, sexy voice, but the smoke was making her cough.

"Miss Holloway," Snape said softly. No, my name is not Holloway, but it will be when I marry Josh Holloway. Just kidding. Maybe. Well, we'll see. "You are here for the assistant job, I assume?"

"//cough// Yes, Professor," Jade S. whispered and coughed. "You wouldn't mind if I take off this robe, would you?"

"Not at all," Snape said.

"God, I'm so horrible when I'm a Sue!" Jade H. cried.  
"Well, she's on her way to winning the competition!" Phil pointed out.

"And please, call me Severus," Snape, or Severus, I guess, said.

"So Severus, what do you want me to do?" Jade S. asked him.

He gave her a task that no one really cares about. She did whatever, of course, perfectly and Severus was super impressed by how awesome she was for a student. Oh yeah, and she was super hot, partly because she was dressed, um, rather student inappropriately.

"Might I ask why you are not wearing the school uniforms?" Severus, who had not taken his eyes off her, asked her.

She giggled sexily. "Oh, Sev, really! I only dress like this on…Special occasions." The caldrons hissed as the flames grew.

Severus leaned in on her, never mind the fact that she was a student and he was like, 40 something.  
Jade H. was about to tell them it was over, but they were making out to much to listen.

"HEY! HEY! THAT IS AGAINST THE LAW, MISTER! Aw, hell, I love him too! Alright, bring Vixen in!" Jade H. said, choosing to ignore her nasty Sue. Then she turned to Bob and Phil, who were looking at her Sue as if she were insane. "Yeah, I'm not really that bad, but you know Sues!" She said exasperatedly.

Vixen came in. "I assume I'm getting Remus?" She asked. "Yeah, you-" Jade H. started, but she was interrupted by Jade S.

"SEE YA! WE'RE GOIN' TO GET MARRIED, BABY!" She shrieked.

"Yeah, anyway, here he is now," Jade H. said, waving at Remus.

"Hi," He said to Vixen. He was drooling slightly.

"OK! Your scene is Remus is revealing he's a werewolf and you have to be all 'I'm a werewolf to! Love me!' and what ever. OK, go!" Jade H. said, sitting in a director's chair for some reason.

"Vixen, you do not understand! You could never want a monster like myself!" Remus cried.

"But I do! I mean, your not a monster! No, Remus! I love you!" Large tears spilled from Vixen's yellow eyes.

"How can you?"

"Because I too suffer the curse of lycanthropy!" Vixen sobbed dramatically, falling to her knees with her face in her hands.

"What?! How can one so wonderful be a wolf?!" Remus cried.

"I am just naturally perfect. Anyway, yes, it's true! I am not only a wolf, but I am a ," Vixen listed all the things she turned into once a month (not including all the things she had learned to turn into).

"This is wonderful! Now we can live together, without fear of me biting you!" Remus said.

"YAY!" Vixen cried and he picked her up and they ran off to get married.

"OK, that's enough. Good job. And last is….Rose Petal with Ron," Jade H. said.

Rose Petal came in, looking beautiful, as always.

"Hi Rosy, yeah, anyway, you're with Ron," Jade H. told her.

Rose Petal's face darkened. "Yes, I know. I wasn't good enough to be with Harry, even though-"

"Uh huh, everyone wants Harry! I AM JUST AS GOOD!" Ron screamed.

"Harry's friend, please, not the I'm-not-just-Harry's-sidekick speech again, we just don't have time! Anyway, your scene is that Rose Petal is admitting to you all her Super Dark Secrets and you have to comfort her because…I don't know, being all powerful sucks or something. Take it away, Rose Petal and Red haired guy!" Jade H. told them. 

Rose Petal and Ron were walking through the Forbidden Forest alone one night because Hagrid had asked Rose Petal to round up a unicorn for the next class (unicorns were naturally attracted to her) and Ron had gone with her. 

"Ronald, you don't understand! The unicorns are attracted to me because….I can't say! You must not know!" Rose Petal said, looking away from Ron and wiping tears from her eyes.

"Rose Petal, please! You can tell me!" Ron insisted.

"No, Ron! It is too horrible! And we wouldn't Hermione thinking we were together again! After all, she did try to kill me out of jealousy five times already!" Rose Petal cried.

"But I don't love her, I love you! Please tell!" Ron said.

"Oh, Ronald! No one has ever told me they love me before! I was abandon at birth and grew up never knowing love! But alright, I'll tell you! I am….A unicorn!" She sobbed.

"Uhh… Huh?" Ron said and stopped walking.

"Yes, I am! The unicorns are attracted to me because they since I am one of them. Also, they are always attracted to the ones who are purest of heart, and pretty! But I can only turn into a unicorn when the moon is full," Rose Petal said, burying her face in her hands.

"Wow! A were-unicorn! I've heard about those! You must have some great powers," Ron said, suddenly in awe of her greatness.

"Well, I have some powers, yes. I can control the weather, the earth, all animals, mind reading, change my appearance at will,"

"Oh, Rose Petal! It must be so hard for you, being so different!" Ron said.

"Oh, Ron! You're the only one who understands me! Love me!" Rose Petal said, falling into his arms.

"I love you, Rose Petal!"

"Dear god, please let it me over!" Jade H. cried. "Oh my…Some of the camera men just got sick! Yes, call an ambulance! The nastiness of these clichés are killing them"  
She turned to Rose Petal. "Yeah, just go back to your little Sue Room, kay?" She said absent-mindedly, turning back to the passed -out camera men.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Later that night, all the Sues came down for the voting.  
They all felt pretty bad about nearly killing some of the staff.

Jade H. was waiting for them. She looked very impatient, not very happy about having to explain to the 911 guys that the reason several people were sick was because of her TV show.

"Alright, I forgot to tell you that Jade S. won immunity due to her steamy fan fic scene with Snape. She'll go first."

Jade S. happily went up to put her piece of paper in the hat (she had voted for Rose Petal).

Then Stormy came to vote, then Vixen, the Rose Petal, then Keanna.  
She seemed very happy, sure that Rose Petal would be voted out this time.

"Yeah, yeah. I gotta read the stupid votes," Jade H. grumbled as she picked up the sorting hat.

"//sigh// First vote, Vixen."

Vixen looked surprised because she was also sure about Rose Petal.

"Next vote, Rose Petal. Keanna. Vixen. That's two votes Vixen, one vote Rose Petal, and one vote Keanna. And the next person voted out of SUEvivor is……"

TWENTY MINUTES LATER….

"…..Vixen."

Jade. S, Keanna, and Stormy all gasped and Vixen sadly got up and left.

"B-but how? Vixen was alright! She's the devil with blond hair!" Stormy sobbed.

"I don't know. Please go away so I can go to sleep." Jade H. said dully.

All the Sues went back to their room, thoroughly shocked.

"We have to find out what she did!" Jade S. whispered to Keanna and Stormy. "I know we were all gonna vote her out, not Vixen!" 

END OF CHALLENGE 6.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: "YES! FINALLY! WOO!" "They'll pay for this when the time comes!"

END NOTES: Well, that took longer then I thought it would to write! I know it wasn't very funny, but I realized I didn't have a challenge for this chapter and had to make it up quickly. Please review! J 


	7. Challenge 7: When mary Sues get cameras

SUEvivor

A/N: Thank you if you reviewed. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Something big happened and I've had to help my mom. So please review this chapter! J

CHAPTER 7: WHEN SUES GET CAMERAS

It was the week after the last challenge and all the remaining Sues had shunned Rose Petal for being what Stormy called a '//bleeeeeep//ing little //bleeep//," and that pretty much summed it up.

Rose Petal didn't seem bothered by this though. She spent her days singing with little birds and making the world a better place in general.

Keanna and Jade S. had been trying to find out how she had made them vote Vixen out in the last voting ceremony.

They all were sitting on the couch discussing what Rose Petal had done when she came twirling in gracefully with the mail.

"Hello, friends! Looks like we got another challenge!" She cried, opening the envelope and reading out loud.  
She read, " 'To the remaining Sues of Hogwarts: For this challenge you are required to use the enclosed mini video cameras to film what a typical day in the life of a Sue is like. Good luck.' Wow, look at these things!" Rose Petal gasped, picking up one of the four video cameras that had come with the instructions.

"Wow, this is going to be awesome!" Stormy said.

"Yeah, I can't wait! Although, my life is not that interesting." Jade S. said. Stormy smacked her in the head.

"WHAT KIND OF SUE SAYS THEIR LIFE ISN'T INTERESTING?! ARE YOU INSANE?! ALL SUES HAVE A FASCINATING LIFE!!!!" She screamed.

"Uh, yeah, I mean, my life is like, super awesome! I do all kinds of stuff!" Jade s. said, staring at Stormy as if she had gone crazy. 

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I have a feeling I'll win this challenge. MAWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!" Rose Petal laughed manically. Then she turned around. "Oh yeah, I made you all cookies!" And she left.

"OH MY GOD!!! I THINK I JUST REALIZED WHAT ROSE PETAL DID TO MAKE US ALL VOTE FOR VIXEN LAST WEEK!!!!!!!!" Jade S. screamed.  
"Oh my god! What?!" Stormy cried.

"She used that unforgivable curse that makes you do what ever someone wants you to so!! My author is too lazy to just look up what the curse is!" Jade S. said excitedly.

"Wow, your right! I can't believe we didn't figure this out sooner!" Keanna cried.  
"Yeah, well, my author wanted me to figure it out today," Jade S. said.  
"Well, now that we know, we can tell Jade H. and maybe she'll be voted out!" Stormy said happily. "Yeah, but until we can, lets just do our challenge and act like we don't know so she doesn't try to kill us or something!" Keanna said.  
"Your Voldemort's daughter, and your scared of some little Mary Sue?" Jade S. said, raising her eye brows.  
"Hey, she has powers my father and I will never have and lets face it, she's way more evil!" Keanna said shuddering.  
"Amen to that!" Stormy said, and everyone agreed.

XOXOXOXOXO (everything in bold print is Jade S. interrupting the story)

Jade S. was trying to turn on her camera that after noon so she could do the challenge. She finally clicked the right button and blinked into the camera lens thing.

"Oh, uh, your on. Well, I'm Jade S. Holloway and I'm here to do the SUEvivor challenge. As you probably already know, I'm the author insert Sue. I live here in Hogwarts and spend too much time glorifying my author, cause let's face it, people who write author!Sues are sad people with little self confidence. Not that my author is, but hey, it's a parody. Oh crap, I'm not supposed to know that….Anyway, on with the show."

"My day starts out like every other author!Sue's. I wake up so the sun can rise (yes, I control the sun) and my author describes my insane beauty."

The scene goes to Jade S. waking up in her huge bed, with little birdies singing and the sun shining down on her.

"My author says something like this. Ahem: 'Jade woke up the morning of the first day of the new school year. She had gotten her own private dorm reserved for Americans, but she conveniently shared it with Professor Snape, despite the fact that it was so wrong on so many levels.

Jade's golden blond hair shone-'

"Here, the author pauses to look up fancy words for this sentence. She decides 'brilliantly' makes her seem specialer." Jade S. informed everyone. Back to her life.

'-Brilliantly. She didn't have the hair normal people have when they wake up, it was always awesome.

She rubbed her big, soulful eyes and noticed that Professor Snape was gone'  
"Notice how the author throws in a pointless description of the Sues eyes. She would go into the whole speech about how she looked, but she did that in the first paragraph of the first chapter." Jade S. interrupted.

'Jade decided she should get ready for class, even though it was not necessary. She was smart enough.

She got gracefully out of bed and changed into her skin tight hip hugger jeans and red tube top that perfectly hugged her perfect curves. She needed no make up, of course. '

"And all readers die a little when they read that. Notice how there is never a reasonable explanation for why she doesn't wear the uniform. Now, lets skip the boring details my author will put in about my appearance and go straight to another Sue moment." Jade S. said into the camera.  
The scene skipped to Jade in her potions class .  
"And there is, of course, lot's of sexily simmering caldrons, but that's more boring detail. Now, on with my life."

'Jade was surrounded by her friends in potions class, wondering why Professor Snape was giving her those strange looks full of lust.' 

"Or was it just pure distain?" Jade S. asked. "Sorry. Back to the story."

' "Class, today we will be making the Super Rare Love Potion #9. It is extremely difficult, so do not ask why I have given it to you as your assignment.'

"Here, the author finds herself questioning her own work." Jade S. said.

'" I don't expect any of you to do this right, but do try to keep up." Professor Snape said.

Jade raised her hand. "Professor? I already finished."

Snape walked over to her caldron and looked into it.

"This is incredible! You are the only girl your age to ever make this potion! A million points to Gryffindor!" Snape said.'

"Ah, yes. What story is complete without OOCness?" Jade S. sighed.

'In the midst of Jade and her friends celebrating, someone ran in. "VOLDEMORT IS IN THE CASTLE! RUN FOR YOU LIVES!!!!!!!!!!" This unimportant person screamed hysterically.

"Harry, you're the only one who can save us! Hey, where'd Harry go?" Hermione asked looking around. "OK, Jade, you're the only one who can save us!"

Jade stepped up bravely. "I will! You see, the prophecy was really referring to me"  
Everyone gasped at that huge revelation, but other then that they showed so signs of surprise.'

"So, yeah. You read write. Ignoring everything the books have told us, JADE is really the savior of the wizarding world. " Jade S. said.

'Jade went down to the Great Hall, where she found Lord Voldemort, waiting for her.

"Hello, Jade." He hissed.

"Lord Voldemort." Jade said dramatically, circling around him.

"We meet again." Voldemort said.

"So we do. And this time I will not be defeated. STARING CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jade shrieked.

"What?"

"That's right, Voldemort! A staring contest. If you win, I die, but if I win, you die!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, it's on, bee-otch!" Voldemort screamed, dropping his dramatic hood and standing right in front of Jade.  
"I'm the staring contest champion of 1968! Red eyes don't blink!!!!"

"You forget, Voldemort, that when you tried to kill me the first several times, you gave me the power to take over the world with my staring abilities!!!!!"

They both stood there, staring into each others' eyes for a long time. Then-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!1 I'M MELTING!!!!!1111 NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!11111!" Voldemort screamed, for he really was melting.

After that, Jade fell to the floor.

Snape came running in and picked her up.  
"Oh, my love!!11!!! You have made a dramatic sacrifice for love!!!!!!111 How will I go on with out you?!?!?!?!/!

"Oh….Severus…..Do not cry for me. I had to do this, it was the only way. I love you!" //slump/  
And she died.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MY ONLY LOVE!!!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!!! NOOOOOO!!"'

"Yep, so there's a normal day in my life!! Thanks for watching!!! Bye!" Jade S. turned off the camera.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

//Keanna//

Keanna looked into the camera. "Hello. I am Keanna Riddle, daughter of Lord Voldemort.  
For this challenge, you will take a look into my angst filled life." She said dully. "OK, so lets get on with it so I can get back to angsting around."

"My day starts out like any other Sue's." Keanna said as the scene cut to her creeping back into her dorm room with blood dripping from her mouth.  
"That's right, I'm also a vampire princess. That WOULD be really cool if it weren't so Sueish." Keanna explained. "Of course, I can survive in day light because my author forgot I was a vampire and had me outside in the day. Oh, here I am cutting myself, cause I'm just so darn angst-y!"

Keanna was sitting on her bed with the curtains drawn, cutting herself, even though she was a vampire and they have no blood. (I don't think cutting yourself is cool or funny or anything. I just know Sues do it to look angst-y).

"Now here I am being hated by people." Keanna sighed. The scene was several people saying mean things to her cause she's so different.  
"This should make me more sympathetic, but the other characters are so damn OOC that the readers just don't care."

Now we see her talking to Harry. "This is pretty much the same thing we saw in the last chapter when I had to do a romance scene. Course, Harry still doesn't believe I can be good, even though we kissed a lot. So let's go to the part when I'm telling my father that I can't kill Harry." Keanna said.

And that's what the scene is. Keanna's eyes were filled with tears and she was explaining that she loved him.  
"And of course, my father is not happy, so he tries to kill me." Now we see them dueling.  
"I fight back and kill him, but almost die in the process. Here's Harry now, declaring his undying love for me."

In the scene, Harry leaned over her and declared his undying love for her.

"And we live happily ever after. It makes me sick. So the end. See ya." Keanna said, and she dropped the camera.  
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

//Stormy//

//tosses hair// "Hi, I'm Stormy Cool and I'm here to show you what life as an American!Sue is really like"  
Stormy said happily.

The scene went to Stormy happily chatting with friends, who were listening intently.

"Seeing as how I'm American!Sue, I spend my days making people love me. See how many friends I have? And just look how muscley Harry and Ron have gotten for me!" Stormy said.

Then the scene was Stormy in potions class, arguing with Snape.

"See how smart I am? And I argue with teachers and get away with it!!!! That's not all I get away with." Stormy told the readers.

The scene skipped to Stormy choosing her outfit that morning. She was going through her closet, full of stripper clothes. She chose an outfit of a red bikini top, black leather skirt that was shorter then short, and chain belt, fish net stockings and thigh high boots. Then she put on too much mascara and red lipstick.

"We all know that McGonagall would destroy me if I wore that, but that's the beauty of fan fics: No need to follow the books at all!" Stormy said. "And since Americans are obviously super awesome, I spread my American joy all through Hogwarts every day!"

The scene goes to Stormy giving Hermione a make over.  
Then it shows her and the everyone else listening to American muggle music that hasn't even been made yet.

"When I'm not doing these things, I'm saving the wizarding world from Voldemort!!!" Stormy said.

The scene changes to her fighting off Voldemort. She blinds him with her shiny hair and then hitting him with a frying pan.

"So you see, I am pretty much awesome!!!! I'm also running for president! Vote for me in '08!" Stormy said, winking at the camera.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose Petal was working on her camera when Jade H. and some others came up to her.

"Uh, hi Rosy…" Jade H. started.

"Hi guys! What are you doing here? I was just about to do my challenge." Rose Petal said.

"Yeeeeeahhhhhh, about that, um, you have to leave the show….." Jade H. said slowly. Then she stepped back and covered her eyes to avoid being hit by Rose Petal.

Rose Petal dropped the camera. "WHAT!?"

"See, some of the other contestants figured out that you had used an unforgivable curse to keep them from voting you out. You can't stay now." Jade H. told her.

"B-b-but…..No I didn't!!!!" Rose Petal cried.

Everyone stared at her. . "We know you did."

"FINE! I'LL LEAVE! BUT AS GOD AS MY WITNESS I WILL FIND OUT WHO TURNED ME IN AND DESTROY THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OOO! THEY'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!" Rose Petal screamed as she stormed away.

"Wow, that was dramatic for a parody." Jade H. said as they left the room.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

That night all the remaining Sues headed into the Great Hall for the voting. The were surprised to find the sorting hat wasn't there.

"Sues, today we have some big news. There will be no voting tonight because Rose Petal has been asked to leave the game cause of her evilness." Jade H. announced. But as soon as they heard the words 'Rose Petal has been asked to leave the game,' all the Sues started celebrating.

" YES! FINALLY! WOO!" Stormy screamed.

The Sues all went back to there room to party.

END OF CHALLENGE 7.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: "NO! HOW COULD I GET VOTED OUT?!?!"

END NOTES: Man, that took a long time to write! Please review this chapter! J 


	8. Challenge 8: Dancing with the strange

SUEVIVOR

A/N: Thank you nice reviewers! J I might not get the next chapter up soon, I have to complete my challenge so that I can become an official Sue Smiter!!!!! Yep! I found a web site with a quiz for it, and I took it. The results said I would make a good Sue Smiter, so I have to do the challenge to become one! Look out Sues, I will destroy you! 

CHALLENGE 8: DANCING WITH THE STRANGE.

The Mary Sues of Hogwarts had been celebrating all week. They didn't even care who won the game anymore, as long as Rose Petal wasn't there.

"This has been the best week ever!!!!!!!!" Stormy screamed.

"Yeah, yeah, stop saying that!!!" Keanna said. Now that she wasn't trying to destroy Rose Petal, she focused more of her energy into being mean to everyone else.

"Well, she's right, it has. Now we actually have a chance to win!!" Jade S. said.

"Oh, girl, come on! I'm American!Sue! Of course I was gonna win!" Stormy said, tossing back her hair.

"Excuse me, I was going to win!!!! I still am going to win!" Keanna snarled.

"Dream on. Maybe you'll come in second, but I doubt it." Stormy said snobbishly.

"Hey, what about me?!" Jade S. asked indigently.

"Oh, come on. You know I'm just sayin' that to get her off my back about it." Stormy whispered, but as soon as Jade S. turned her back, she mouthed "No way in hell" to Keanna.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

A few hours later, Jade S. got the mail and brought it in.

"Looks like we got another challenge," she said, ripping open the envelope and reading out loud. " 'Dear Harry Potter Mary Sues,  
Your challenge tonight will take place in the Great Hall. Please come there at 8:oo tonight.' "

"Hmmm. I wonder what we have to do," Stormy said.

"They didn't give us very much information this time," Keanna pointed out.

"I don't know what it is, but I bet it will be cool!" Jade S. said, and everyone agreed.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

A while later all the Sues came to the Great Hall.  
They found Jade H. standing in front of empty staff table. That was the only table left in the room, for all the others had magically disappeared and the floor had become a ball room dance floor.

"Good evening Mary Sues," Jade H. said when they had all settled in.  
"I'm sure you've noticed the changes that have been made for this challenge. It has become a ball room. Why? Because there can't be a stupid fic without a stupid ball!"

All the Sues gasped. "You mean….."

"That's right! We're having the Fancy Ball For No Reason™ challenge! In almost all Mary Sue stories, Dumbledore up and decides to have a ball, for reasons that are never really explained. All Mary Sues must be able to attend a pointless ball, right? So for this challenge, you all have twenty minutes to find a date, get the perfect outfit, get to the ball, dance with said date, and then make out with him," Jade H. instructed. "Ready? Good. Start now!" She said, and she pulled out an hourglass and set it on the table.

"Oh crap. I hate it when they time us!!!" Jade S. moaned as she sulked off to do the challenge.

XOXOXOXOXO

//Stormy//

Stormy was running out the doors of Hogwarts castle. As soon as she got outside the gate, she apparated to Hogsmeade.

A few minutes later, the camera crew caught up with her.

"What am I doing? Well, duh! I'm going to Mary Sues 'R' us!!!" She screamed, running into the store.

Inside the store was filled with the super trendy clothes all Mary Sues wear. Loud angst-y music was blasting out of speakers in the ceiling and countless Sues were buying things (despite the fact that they never earn any money in anyway, they just always have it).

Stormy grabbed a near by sales person, a Goth!Punk!Sue.

"I need to buy a ball dress NOW!!!!!!" She cried.

The other Sue nodded. "I understand. Come with me."

The Goth!Punk!Sue lead them to the back room. She lifted the door beads and flipped a light switch. Stormy gasped when she saw what was in the next room: Countless gowns of every style imaginable.

Stormy squealed and raced off to look for something American!Sue enough.

"Alright, I'm looking for something that shows too much skin, preferably red silk, but black would do just as well," She informed the Goth!Punk!Sue.

The Sue nodded. "Ah yes, the American!Sue style. I have just the thing…" she said (lets call her….Rage. Yes, it's a Sue name).

Rage presented Stormy with a short, short, red dress without straps and lots of sequins.

"You'll need the appropriate shoes ," Rage told her, giving her a pair of four inch high heels that laced up her legs. Any human would have broken their necks trying to walk in them, but Stormy found them perfect.

"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!" She cried all the way out of the store.

She looked at her watch. "OK, we have 15 minutes to do everything, so lets MOVE!!!"

She apparated off to Hogwarts and burst through the gates. Racing up the stairs, she finally came to the Gryffindor dorm. 

She tore through the portrait hole without it even opening and ran into Harry.

"Harry //gasp! Your going to the //gasp// ball with me //gasp// tonight!" She panted and then took off running up the stairs to her room.

She pulled on the tiny dress and shoes. There was still a few minutes left, so she threw on some make up (perfectly, of course), tossed her hair to make it nice and sexy, and zoomed down the stairs to the Great Hall.

When she got there, she found lots of dancing couples and a disco ball. There was a corny love song playing in the back ground. Had this been a real fic, the author would have put the lyrics in here, but I'm not going to waste my time (no one reads them anyway).

Harry was standing in the center of the room, not wearing the normal dress robes, oh nooooo! That's far too canon for a Mary Sue fic.

Stormy left her group of friends that had magically appeared and joined him.

"Hi Harry!" She yelled over the music.

"Wow, you look more incredible then usual!" He said. They started dancing.

"Stormy, I need to tell you something!" Harry said.

"Well, make it quick cause we only got two minutes left!" Stormy said in a panicked voice.

"I've loved you my whole life even though we only met a few months ago! I love your American-ness and how you always say lame things that I always think are funny for some reason! I love how you dress like a slut and get away with it! I love your ZOMG SUPER SEPSHUL POWERZZZ!11111one!!!11one!™ I love how blond you are! I love how you cursed Snape and got away with it!" Harry rambled. Stormy put a finger to his lips.

"Shhh, you had me ZOMG SUPER SEPSHUL POWERZZZ!11111one!!!11one™." She said and they started passionately making out.

"OK, guys! That's enough, you did everything in time! Guys? Guys, seriously, stop! Oh my god, that's disgusting! Cut to commercial! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!!!!" Jade H. screamed.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

Jade H. was standing there looking sick. "OK, watch Jade S. do the challenge."

XOXOXOXOXO

//Jade H.//

Jade H. was standing in front of Mary Sues "R" Us."

"Huh, this place would be really cool if it weren't so Sueish and it was real," she said. Then she looked around nervously. "Jeez, I'm really not supposed to know we're in a fan fic!"

She sighed and went in.

"Hi, welcomed to Mary Sues "R" Us! How can I help you!?" Asked a red haired Sue was too perky.

" Well, I'm going to this ball and-"

"Oooo! What kind of ball?!?!" The Sue asked.

"Oh, they never told me," Jade S. said.

"Well then, who are you going with? Student or teacher?" The Sue asked her, clapping her hands annoyingly.

"Severus Snape! Teacher," Jade S. told her.

"Well, then you could always do the masquerade! That way it lets you two have a mysterious meeting where you dance and kiss but you don't realize he's a teacher! It's so romantic!" The Sue squealed.

"Oooo! Oooo! Yeah! Let's do that!" Jade S. said, much like the other Sue. "Uh, what's your name?"

"I'm Moxie Angelica Rassita Yessica Sunlight Unicornmadien Elvya, but you can call me Mary Sue for short!" Mary Sue cried.

Mary Sue lead her to the Masquerade section, where a few Mysterious!Sues were trying on masks.

There were racks and racks of huge, beautiful dresses, with masks and all kinds of super cool accessories.

"Hmmm…" Jade S. said, looking through the first bunch of them.  
Then she looked at her watch (I don't know why they all have one, but they do). She still had a little time to look.

After the first three racks, she picked up a white lacey dress with gold designs and a matching mask.

"Heyyyy, I like this one!" She cried.

"ZOMG! That one is like, so pretty!!!!" Mary Sue screamed.

And so, Jade S. got the dress and headed back to Hogwarts.

She quietly went down to Snape's dungeon chambers. She slipped a note under the door. It said 'Meet me at the ball tonight. Look for the Mary Sue in the white dress.'

She looked at her watch again and gasped. "I have ten frickin' minutes!!!" She ran up to her dorm and changed in to her dress. She put her hair up, put the mask on, and went down stairs.

Now the Great Hall looked like that scene in Van Helsing at the vampire ball. If you've never seen Van Helsing, the hall was now filled with people dressed really dramatically that were dancing to some weird classical-ish music.

Jade S. recognized Snape immediately cause of the hair and everything, but she knew she had to play along.

"Uhhhh…..Let's dance or something," she said. What were you supposed to say at a Mysterious Fan Fic Ball™ ?

"Oh, masked stranger who looks nothing like Professor Snape, who could you be?!" Jade S. cried dramatically.

"Oh, blond Mary Sue who is so obviously Jade S. in a dress, who could you possibly be?!"

"Oh, black haired guy who I know is Professor Snape, hurry up, we have three minutes!!" Jade S. said.

"Oh, strange Mary Sue, I think I love you!" Snape whispered (this is killing me. It really, truly is.  
And so, in the style of Mary Sues around the world, they started kissing.

//sob// "It's so sweet and stupid!!!!" Jade H. sobbed. "Well, you guys can go home. And last but not least, we have Keanna! Let's watch!"

XOXOXOXOXOXO

//Keanna//

"Errrggg," Keanna growled under her breath. She crossed her arms and glared up at Mary Sues "R" Us.  
"This is so stupid!"

She stormed in anyway and slammed her hand down on the checkout counter. "I need a dress for the ball NOW. It will be black, slightly goth, and make me look pretty and angsty," she demanded.

"Like, OK, like, god!" Said a ditzy Sue who was chewing gum.  
She rolled her eyes and brought Keanna to a dark section.

"Like, this is where we keep the like, Tragic!Sue clothes," The sales person said, then she went back to her chair.

After passing through many racks of dress, she picked one up. So did another Dark!Sue.

"Scram, jerk. This one's mine!" The Sue snarled.

"Bull sh--, I got it first!" Keanna cried. Slowly, both their eyes turned red. Keanna blinked. "Genesis?" She asked. That too is the name of a Dark!Sue I've seen.

"Keanna?" Genesis asked, surprised.

"OH MY GOD! How have you been, sis?" Keanna cried, dropping the dress and hugging her sister.

"I've been good! I can't believe your on SUEvivor! That's great!" Genesis said.

"Yeah, that's why I need the dress. We're doing the ball room challenge today," Keanna told her.

"Oh, OK! Well, you can have it if you think it will help you win. You must win! The Riddles must win everything!" Genesis said.

"Thanks, Gen! I have to go! I only have 15 minutes left! I'll talk to you soon!" Keanna told her.

The Riddle sisters said good bye and Keanna left with her dress.

XOXOXOXOXO

Keanna made her way to the Slytherin common room. This time she was dating Draco, damn it!

She gave the password and sadly walked in.

She stopped next to Draco and whispered, "Ask me if I'm going to the ball tonight!"

Draco blinked. "Umm, are you going to the ball tonight?"

Keanna sighed. "No, my father wants me to kill Harry today. He's Voldemort, you know. Lord Voldemort. My father is," Keanna said.

"Oh, you can do that any time! Let's go to the ball together," Draco insisted.

"Oh, alright," Keanna sighed. Then she ran up stairs to change into her outfit.

When she came back down, Draco was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs, dressed in green dress robes.

Keanna's hair was up in curls and she was wearing black eye shadow and lip stick. Her dress was long and black, made of velvet. It greatly contrasted with her ivory skin and red eyes.

"Wow! You look great! Draco breathed.

"I know."

The two of them went down to the Great Hall with ten minutes left.

The hall looked just like it always does in these fics, with dancing people and food, and for some reason, no teachers.

"Want to dance?" Draco asked her.

"Oh, I don't know. I've never danced before. My abusive adoptive parents never let me do anything. Can you tell I'm bitter and mean now?" Keanna asked hopefully.

"Oh, totally," Draco said, bringing her on to the dance floor.

They danced for five minutes and then took a walk in some random rose garden.

"It must be so hard for you, having Voldemort as a father, being the vampire princess of a large country, having awesome powers…I don't know how you survive, honestly," Draco told her.

"Oh, Draco! You're the only one who understands my angst! You have an abusive father, too!" Keanna cried.

Draco stopped walking and looked confused. "I do?"

"Yes, you do! Anyway, I have so many problems! People think I'm horrible, but it's really just because of all the angst! I'm so depressed!" And she started sobbing on his shoulder.

"Umm, there, there….Don't cry…Seriously, your staining my robes here!" Draco screamed.

"I'm sorry Draco. But now that I have admitted my Dark Secrets™, we can have sex!" Keanna said, jumping on him.

"OK peoples, that's enough!" Jade H. said. "All the Mary Sues are to come into the Great Hall for the voting."

XOXOXOXOXOXO

All the Sues were standing in front of the sorting hat. Jade H. was pacing in front of them.

"All of you did very good on this challenge. Keanna, you even managed to have time to go for a walk and spill the Dark Secrets™. But only one of you can win immunity. And that winner is….."

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

"….Keanna."

"Yes! You lose, suckers!" Keanna screamed, jumping up and down.

"And now, Keanna, would you please vote?" Jade H. asked her, handing her the hat.

Keanna nodded solemnly to both the other Sues and walked up to vote.

Next was Jade S., then stormy.

"I'll tally up the votes." Jade H. picked up the hat and pulled out the first piece of paper. She scowled. "First vote, Jade H."

"Sorry!" Stormy said.

"Next vote, Stormy."

"I'm sorry, too!" Jade S. said. Both Sues hugged and started sobbing.

"And the last person voted out of SUEvivor is….'

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

"….NO! HOW COULD I GET VOTED OUT?!?! It's Jade S.!!!!" Jade H. sobbed.

Jade S. got up. "Good luck, guys!" She said to the others and then she left.

"Ahem, well, next week will be the final episode of SUEvivor. One of you will be the winner, but which one? Join us next time on SUEvivor."

END OF CHALLENGE 8.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: "Oh my god! It's them!" "And the winner of SUEvivor, the Ultimate Harry Potter Mary sue is…."

END NOTES: Well, that will be a sad chapter! Please review this chap! J 


	9. Challenge 9: The end

SUEVIVOR

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, peoples! J Hope you like this chapter!!! And as someone pointed out, why do I bother reading Mary Sue stories? Well, I don't unless they're like, idiotically funny.

CHALLENGE 9: THE LAST CHALLENGE

Keanna and Stormy were the last Sues in the game and they couldn't believe it.

//Stomy's cam//

"I never imagined that I would be one of the last ones here!!! OK, well, I did sorta plan this out in my mind, but still!"

//Keanna's cam//

"I will crush her!"

//back to normal cam//

"So, should we do something in honor of the other Sues?" Stormy, who was painting her nails, asked.

"Like what?" Keanna asked her. She was working on controlling things with her mind.

"Well, I saw on Survivor that when there was only two people left, they went up on this beg hill and like, burned pictures of the others and said nice stuff about them," Stormy said, blowing on her nails.

"Well, I guess we could….." Keanna started, trying to think of what to do.

"No, forget it. I hated all of them anyway," Stormy said.

A while later they went into their bed rooms to pack their bags, because they knew that this was their last day there.

Then they came back into the living, Keanna carrying one small suit case, and Stormy dragging about seventeen.  
Keanna stared at her. -.- "You disgust me."

They waited for a few tense hours, barley talking. Finally Keanna looked up at the clock.  
"It's time," She said solemnly.

With a deep breath, Stormy got up.

They headed down to the Great Hall.

XOXOXOXOXO

Jade H. was waiting for them when they got there.

"Hi guys. Well, in the tradition of Survivor, we are going to bring you guys somewhere else to do the final episode," she said.  
So suddenly the Sues were sitting next to each other in a room filled with screaming fans.

"Wow! How'd they do that?!" Stormy asked.

"That's the magic of TV," Jade H. said. "Now, on to the show."

Jade H. stood up and everyone slowly stopped cheering for their favorite Sues.

"As you all know, it's the last episode of SUEvivor. Tonight, one Harry Potter Mary Sue will be given the title of ultimate Sue, but which one will it be? Will it be Stormy Cool?" The camera turned to Stormy, who waved and said, "It's so me!"

"Or will it be Keanna Riddle?" And the camera turned to Keanna, who just glared.

"Tonight, we will find out. But how will we decide? Well, for that, we've brought in some extra special judges," Jade H. told them, smiling slyly.

"Oooo! I love Bob and Phil!" Stormy cried, clapping her hands.

But the people who came out from behind the curtain were not Bob and Phil. The first one out was…..Adreana, who had been the first Sue voted out! Following her was Sandrena, then Aradia, Forrest, Harriet, Vixen, Jade S., and finally Rose Petal! They all sat down in front of the shocked Sues, some looking more vengeful then others.

"See? Are you shocked yet?" Jade H. asked hopefully.  
Stormy and Keanna nodded.

"Oh my god! It's them!" Stormy whispered.

"That's right, girly! And we get to decide which one of you win!" Sandrena cackled.

"Come on now, Sues. Let's just get down to business. Tonight is the final episode of SUEvivor, Harry Potter addition. Both of you Mary Sues have gone through hell to get to this place, a place so many others just dream of being. You both got through the first challenge, showing us that you think like a proper Mary Sue, knowing how to answer ridicules questions.

"You both somehow managed to handle real life situations, which other Mary Sues could not have done. Keanna, you had a lot of trouble taking care of that baby even for one hour! How was it?" Jade H. asked her.

"Horrible. Voldemort's daughters are not meant to take care of children," Keanna said, shuddering at the memory.

"Mmm hmm. And then you both got through the obstacle course challenge, even managing to not get knocked over by the watermelons, which, by the way, was really a weird chose of obstacle. Then you came through the rigorous challenge of getting as many men to fall in love with you as possible. Stormy, I believe you won that challenge, with pretty much every guy in your assigned café. What was that challenge like for you?" Jade H. asked.

"Well," Stormy said, flipping her hair back. "It was totally awesome, especially how I got more then…others." Stormy gave Rose Petal a nasty look. "It wasn't even hard. I didn't even have to wear my Never Fails to Get The Guy Dress ™!"

"That's nice, dear. Anyway, then both of you managed to come through the talent show with flying colors, but it was Vixen with her incredible Animagus abilities who won. The next challenge was the one where you all had to go through a clichéd fan fic romance scene. Jade S. won, but Keanna almost got it. Keanna, you were paired with your worst enemy. How was that for you?"

"Horrible! How could fan fic authors be so stupid?! I hate all Potters, especially that one!" Keanna griped.

"Well, to be fair, that is an interesting plot, but just over done. Anyway, the next challenge you came through was the Day in The Life of A Sue challenge. It was a tough one, and nobody ended up winning because of Rose Petal's evilness. Stormy, how did you feel about that?"

"It was awesome! I couldn't stand the little //bleep//!!!" Stormy cried.

"In my defense, I was framed!" Rose Petal said. 

"You admitted to using illegal curses to get people to not vote you out!" Jade H. snapped.

"Oh…right."

"Anyway, then the last challenge you guys went through was the Dancing With The Strange challenge. Keanna won that one and Jade S. was unfairly voted out. Keanna, what was that like for you?" Jade H. asked.

"I was quite happy that I had beaten them. I knew I would, of course," Keanna said.

"Right, well, on with this challenge. You've both had great run, but only one of you will win. All you have to do is tell us why YOU deserve to be named the next Ultimate Mary Sue. Stormy, you first," Jade H. said.

Stormy looked surprised. "That's it? Really? Um, OK. Well, obviously, I am the most Sueish. Just look at my hair. Watch how it shines, won't you?" Stormy picked up a strand of her blond hair. Everyone 'oooed' and 'ahhh-ed' appropriately as her hair shined beautifully.

"Yeah, see? And how many fan fictions do you think characters like me have been in? Well I'll tell ya. Millions. Yeah, that many! In almost every Mary Sue fic out there, I am present as 'the Mysterious Foreign Exchange Student from America.' There are way more fics with me in them then with Keanna!" Stormy said. Keanna supporters booed.

"Oh, shut up! You know I'm frickin' awesome! I always make tons of guys fall in love with me! I have special powers! I have everything a Mary Sue needs! I am the most annoying person in fan fiction…which isn't really a good thing, but it means I am the Ultimate Mary Sue!" Stormy cried, and her supporters cheered.

"Very good, Stormy. Keanna, your turn," Jade H. said.

"Well, as my opponent stated, she makes countless guys fall in love with her. I make but one per fic fall for me, which is much more realistic. Also, it's much more romantic when the man I fall in love with is the one my father sends me to kill! And my hair is also shiny! It's a water fall of obsidian beauty! And my skin is white as virgin snow! (A/N: That's how someone described her OC's skin) If I'm not the Ultimate Mary Sue, no one is!"

And Keanna lovers went crazy.

"I have something Stormy doesn't: Angst and unhappiness! So no matter who wins, I will always be unhappy!!! But still, pick me!" Keanna cried to the camera.

"OK, peoples, you heard the Sues! Now we'll hear who the judges voted for!" Jade H. yelled over the fans cheering.

The judges were still talking about what they had just heard. Finally Jade S. stood up.

"We have come to a conclusion. Considering the fact that an even number of reviewers voted for Keanna and Stormy, and we had to count that in, it was hard to chose. In the end, we went with the one that we thought was the most Sueish and the one that the author wanted to win," Jade S. said sadly. The other Sues were looking sad, too, but not because they had to chose between two of their friends, but because they didn't win.

"And the winner of SUEvivor, the Ultimate Harry Potter Mary sue is…."

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

"….Stormy."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" Stormy jumped up and down on her chair, screaming.

Stormy supporters screamed along with her. A tiara was put on her head Miss America style and she was sobbing uncontrollably (of course her make up remained perfect).

"Congratulations Stormy! You are the Ultimate Mary Sue! Your prize is that you win a million dollars, and go down in history as a Ultimate Mary Sue! It sucks, I know, but hey, you played the game!" Jade H. announced as a sash that said 'Ultimate Harry Potter Mary Sue' was placed around the still sobbing Stormy.

Jade H. turned to the camera. "That's all for SUEvivor, Harry Potter edition. We'll see you next season! Good bye!"

AFTER SUEVIVOR:

Stormy went on to star in countless other fan fictions, and became a teacher at the Fan Fiction Academy of Mary Sues. She donated the money to a make up company so other people could look as pretty as her. She now lives in her New York City apartment with her boyfriends.

Keanna became a member of the Order, secretly spying on her father, though now we just gave that away! She won second place in SUEvivor and so she the second most famous Sue.

Jade S. lives happily in her mansion with Severus. She went on to star in some sickeningly overdone fan fictions about her being able to turn Snape good. They are happily married and have three pet monkeys.

Rose Petal was arrested for trying to kill Stormy several times.

That's all the important Sues, so the end!

END OF SUEVIVOR.

A/N: Thank you all if you reviewed! To bad this is the end! L Oh well, please review! 


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